Autumn Arrives
Honeyed scent of jasmine nights
Full moon at our fingertips
November spring in fairy lights
Tea and kisses warm our lips
Fresh-baked bread, fresh-picked plants
Toddler soccer all day long
Sunlight sifts in softened slants
Beeps compete with sparrow song
It’s the burst of life before winter hits
Frantic bees fill up their hives
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
When autumn arrives
Golden rain blankets the ground
Cotton clouds brush the sky
My best impression of a clown
Distracts Tamarie when she cries
Sneezes, coughs, and runny nose
Engagement anniversary
Tamar is cawing, chasing crows
I feel love and loved and so lucky
Measuring height, length, and width
Cozying up our modest den
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
While winter descends
The rain is holding off so far
Sprinklers working overtime
The day is losing ground to night
Fat mosquitoes whine and dine
Barking back at bounding dogs
Meowing to the frazzled cats
Lifting moods with smiling eyes
Wading through the twilight gnats
At Lavender Lane we stop and kiss
Tamar walks on in tiny strides
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
When autumn arrives
Hell and Me
There is a Hell on this earth
That stalked me since my hour of birth
Snaps at my heels and bares its teeth
A parasite on my belief
Has me begging for the black abyss
The cool caress of nothingness
I’ve met with Hell from time to time
To adjudicate my countless crimes
Danced with Hell, strained to understand
Why it must take my haggard hand
I’m older now, old enough to know
That Hell will never truly go
But we’ve cut a deal, Hell and me
Come to terms with how it has to be
It can do its worst, can haunt my dreams
But I’ll paint the pain and sing the screams
…
Woke up head on fire this morning
Advil, imitrex, excedrin
Can’t take anymore
Can’t take anymore
3 AM, hunched over toilet
Nothing left to retch, still nauseous
I know what’s in store
Can’t take anymore
Pain, I know you well
I don’t care about heaven
Just don’t give me Hell
Canceled plans again this evening
Hell is back again and seething
Just like before
Can’t take anymore
Plane to catch tomorrow morning
The storm inside my head is forming
I know what’s in store
Can’t take any more
Pain, I know you well
I don’t care about heaven
Just don’t give me Hell
Summer Suburbs
Summer suburbs, water gun wars
There was joy in the air
There was candy in stores
We would bike through the streets
We would climb through the trees
There was nothing to lose
And so much to seize
Fifteen years later, summer arrives
You were fired from your job
I am working till nine
You’re behind on your rent
And my energy’s spent
Let’s watch some TV
Wouldn’t it be nice to be them
Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
We’ll buy a house and raise a family
Make sure our kids have their summer fun
We never realize just how soon it is gone
There was a man who said he’d found the key
You must embrace your passions
You must follow your dreams
So he took off a year,
And he took on his fears,
And he fell to his death,
But some mountains were cleared
And what about the man who worked to the bone?
In pursuit of the career
That would make him well-known
He would never give up
But the cancer still struck
And the chemo still failed
Our time is never enough
Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
We’ll buy a house and raise a family
Make sure our kids have their summer fun
We never realize just how soon it is gone
So I ask myself what is my worth?
With my head in the sky
And my feet in the dirt
Am I a link in a chain?
Am I a heart or a brain?
Is it pleasure I seek?
What is the point of this pain?
The Music is Always There
When you wake up and feel deflated
Anxieties, insecurities exaggerated
When all is backwards and wrong
I hope you will listen to this song
When the emptiness expands
And the colors collapse
When the days bleed together
Into one formless mass
When the tunnel is showing no light
I hope this song can make it alright
I’d like to remind you
Of the wonders around
The kaleidoscope of color,
Blues, reds, greens, and browns
The wind in your hair
The soft background sounds
I’d like to remind you
Of childlike delight
How in the deepest of lows
The most dizzying of heights
There’s something we can’t fully describe
Bees build their labyrinthine hives
Dolphins do their delicate dives
Flowers lend their scents to the air
Chicks fly their nests in a dare
The music is always right there
When you feel like a failure, way past your prime
Waiting and waiting for your chance to shine
It hits you, your dreams won’t come true
This song will be waiting for you
When your memories torment you
And that voice in your head
Haunts you and taunts you,
And you can no longer tread
The waters in relentless high tide
This song can help you get by
I’d like to remind you
How magic abounds
Epic or microscopic
Simple or profound
The thrill of a kiss
Of worries unwound
I’d like to remind you
Of times that were bright
How in the darkest of blacks
The most blinding of whites
There’s something we can’t fully grasp
A mystery we can never unmask
Questions there are no words to ask
We can glimpse it when we lay ourselves bare
In the air that we breathe, in the love that we share
In the music that is always right there
Mirrors
You’re living a life of plenty
Alone, adrift, and empty
He’s tells you: ‘It was God who sent me’
You trip into his trap
Sit naked upon his lap
Now you’re living a life of rejection
Of spiritual perfection
He offers you direction
You’re heady and hypnotized
By his unblinking eyes
He may ask for favors
Every now and then
But he is still your savior
He is your best friend
You drink up his preaching
Edge of seat, attention rapt
Evangelize his teachings
Carefully lay out his traps
Just remember to:
Keep away from reflective surfaces
Avoid any expensive purchases
Bow and ‘wow’ at every word of his
Give him everything you own
Because if you sing his praise and write his ballads
Every thought you share is valid
It seems you’re only eating salads
Your skin is showing bones
But you couldn’t be thinking clearer
Because you never stare at mirrors
No, you’ve never felt more sane
Because you finally shed your name
No, you’ll never be the same
Your mom said:
‘This is not benign neglect
This is not some harmless sect
It’s a slow-motion train wreck
He’s a megalomaniac’
You said:
‘How could you ever understand?
You could never see God’s hand
In your diets and designer brands
I don’t appreciate the attack’
And that was that
May be downsides and dangers
Every now and then
But he is still your savior
He is your best friend
You drink up his preaching
Nod along with the crowd
Evangelize his teachings
Don’t let the small voice get too loud
Just remember to:
Keep away from reflective surfaces
Avoid any expensive purchases
Kneel and squeal at every word of his
Give him everything you own
Don’t listen to:
The whispers of the bad behavior
The doubts that he is not your savior
The fear that you have lost this wager
The conviction in your bones
Now there’s a stranger in the mirror
You miss her, you fear her
Now your name holds a question
Is this cowardice or confession?
Yes, the mirror reveals a stranger
You love her, you hate her
Yes, there’s a question in your name
How many demons can you tame?
No, you’ll never be the same
What I Want You to Know
I want you to know what you do to me
But I don’t know how to say it
Some otherworldly alchemy
Can’t measure, map, or weigh it
I want you to know my valleys
The jagged stones and streams within
Where do I begin?
I want you to know how I think of you
But I don’t want to overdo it
How every day my heart is born anew
To heaven’s gate and I step through it
If I seem a little lost to you
It’s just a passing distraction
I am swept in the allure of your attraction
Contentedness is courting bliss
Every time we touch
Clouds are parting, birds are darting
In a breathless rush
It may sound shamelessly idealistic
Or hopelessly naive
But your love is the oxygen I breathe
I want you to know how you make me feel
Without clutching for cliches
There’s no key, canvas, or color wheel
No perfect rhyme or phrase
If my silence becomes deafening,
That muse I’m forever stalking
My kisses and caresses can do the talking
I want you to know how you’ve changed me
Without sounding patronizing
You move me to metaphor and simile
You’re my sun that’s always rising
Your melody is woven in me
Stitched in my genetic code
My passion never softens, never slows
Tranquility meets ecstasy
Every time we touch
Bluebells bloom, songbirds croon
In a forest, free and lush
It may sound wildly exaggerated
And somewhat misconceived
But your love is the oxygen I breathe
And if you ever feel unsafe
Then I have failed
Then it’s a lousy, leaky ship
That I have sailed
But if you feel secure
Then I’m on the right track
Let’s roll our sleeves up darling,
Patch up any cracks
Make the most of the time we’ve got
We won’t get it back
I want to know you inside and out
To delve into your deepest dreams
To embrace whatever you’re musing about
To try and pinpoint what you mean
To take each day one-by-one
With gratitude and grace
With kisses on your forehead and arms around your waist
And it may sound sappy and overdramatic
But when the air begins to thin
You, my love, are my oxygen
You, my love, are my everything
A Tour of the Garden
Welcome, please take off your shoes
Be careful where you step
Our residents walk aimlessly, no path here is direct
There is no good or evil here
There is no wrong or right
Our home here is a garden of desire and delight
Of course outside these sturdy walls
Evil does exist
But we call it out, sneer and shout, and raise our angry fists
There are no voices here
We speak through little screens
That pull our pretty puppet strings as we rage against the machine
I’m sorry, what is that you said?
I really beg your pardon
Let us now continue on our tour of the garden
There are no parents here
No husbands, wives, daughters, sons
No one here belongs to me or you or anyone
There are no vows here
There are no ropes and chains
People go by numbers here, not arbitrary names
Love is a vice here
Our doors are always open
We speak in neurochemicals: dopamine, oxytocin
Divergence is an asset here
Everyone stakes their claim
It frees of us from the burden of our guilt and blame and shame
And if this feels too soft for you
Well it’s a shame that you’ve been hardened
Let us now continue on our tour of the garden
Religion is a joke here
We pray to holy evolution
‘Do not harm’ are the only words in our consecrated constitution
We have our own apocalypse
Our very own righteous saints
With screeds and slogans sanctified in dripping, bloody paints
Please follow me to the sanctuary
Yes that’s Darwin on the wall
Sorry, it’s a bit dark but there is Marx by the choir stalls
And the large room here is the dining hall
You won’t find wheat or meat
Our residents can’t feel disgust, so everything tastes sweet
And if we all seem lost to you,
Faces on the milk carton
Please let us continue on our tour of the garden
We craft our own definitions here
Our own labels too
We write our own reality—what is fiction, what is true
Of course, you’re free to disagree
But please keep it to yourself
Or it’s excommunication to preserve our mental health
I hope you like what you have seen
If not, it’s really okay
Just don’t come back again, my friend
And have a lovely day
Look (A Plea)
Look over there
There’s a little girl lost in the trees
She’s splashing in puddles
And diving into the fall leaves
Look over there
There’s a woman all wrinkled and gray
Her eyes are clear and wise
Her life, a cherished prize
She’s the beauty that lies in decay
Look over here
On the floorboards, you’re splayed like a sheet
Face a cruel blue, drool spilling through
A bottle of pills at your feet
Please look, can’t you see
The girl and the woman are you
The future’s not past
And though this life will not last
It’s here and it’s waiting for you
Life’s not a game
The object is neither happiness nor love
No hedons or points,
Likes, comments, or coins
Tallied on some scoreboard above
Life isn’t work
And it surely isn’t just play
Not to gratify the self
Or to serve someone else
Yet it’s all of these things in some way
I guess what it is that I’m saying
Is we just do not know
But we can take a stand
Make the best of our hand
Why fold when there’s still room to grow?
Why choose darkness when there’s still time to glow?
Linger
I’m wading in the memory of the magic of last night
When our bodies, slow and tender, came together and took flight
It’s not a flashback, it’s time becoming space
The path along your back that my fingers softly trace
You say you hear the ocean when you rest against my chest
You’re the moon lighting my skies, pulling my tides when we undress
I whisper in your ear words of joy and love and peace
We shed our mortal skins, begin to revel in the release
I’d like last night to linger
Like your ring around my finger
Not the bee and the stinger
I’d like last night to linger
Like the song, not the singer
Not the bee and the stinger
That energy between our bodies never seems to sleep
It’s sacred and it’s separate, a smoldering secret that we keep
It pulses in my gut and chest and dances on my tongue
Slips between our mouths with the breaths rising from our lungs
It was restless and impatient in the first decades of my life
It was jubilant, knife and flint, when you became my wife
And even now when we must pull out before we are immersed
It voices its desire in a deep unyielding thirst
I hope last night will linger
I won’t meddle, I won’t tinker
Not the bee and the stinger
I know last night will linger
With the contours of your figure
Not the bee and the stinger
What will I do with you?
What will you do with me?
We’re deep in dangerous terrain of impossibility
You stand upon the shores of my calm and raging sea
We reach out for the stars and pick out shards of eternity
Bind ourselves in fraying rope and yearn just to be free
What will you do with me?
What will I do with you?
We made it up the mountain but there was no time for the view
The murky waters cleared into an eerie shade of blue
The kisses multiplied and went from many to too few
I’m crafting poems every day but language just won’t do
The Art of Walking Backwards
It seems that I have mastered
The art of walking backwards
I crane my neck with great precision
Sidestep every near collision
It’s not as hard as it may seem
Like fingertips on a fading dream
A misty memory from when you were young
A word whispering at the tip of your tongue
You learn to trust the periphery
The faith in what you cannot see
To appreciate the unveiled view
The silent stories surrounding you
I promise you it’s worth a shot
As you stumble along this spinning dot
Reverse your way through space and time
And tell me what it is you find
Milestones
It seems that every milestone
Looks more and more like a tomb
In a graveyard neglected and overgrown
Taunting: “Take a good look, you’ll be here soon.”
There’s only so long I can avert my gaze
And focus on the run
Will they remember me with a shining glaze?
An epitaph: ‘loving father, husband, and son?’
First few decades, my sole concern
Was pulling it off as cool
Nonchalant, confident, never taciturn
And only occasionally cruel
If you want to reach the ladder’s top
You must step on those below
It’s a law of nature, it’s a rule of God
Never get swept in the undertow
My memories of my college years
Are ones of girls and shots
Of skin and sweat and mascara tears
Played the game, pulled every slot
From all the wreckage I left in wake
All the baggage I kept in tow
From every lie and careless mistake
I hewed my very first milestone
Her name was Mary and my friends agreed
She was a steal, a catch, a dream
Met her at a party that reeked of weed
She said, “I think you’re nicer than you seem.”
I did my best not to prove her theory wrong
I tried to change my tune
Graduated, hitched, and before too long
There were babies, bills, and birthday balloons
I coasted through the next decades
Or at least that how it appeared
Only the kids saw the fists, the rage
When I tried to beat away my fears
Never showed an ounce of shame
The kids, the job, the home
Raises, promotions, mortgages paid
Milestone after milestone
I only cheated on Mary once
With a girl who exposed every one of my flaws
But Mary—bless her soul—never even had a hunch
The cancer got her after menopause
Now the thought of sleeping with any other woman
Breaks my lonely heart
And the thought of the affair—that loveless loving
Rips my callous soul apart
The doctor will assist my final milestone
It’s legal here in Oregon
I’ve been filling my days with puzzles on my phone
Hoping the kids won’t think I’ve chosen wrong
There’s only so long ‘till I avert my gaze
When I focus on the sun
Will they remember me with glowing praise,
A homily recounting all the battles I’ve won?
Just One Thing
I’ll take the trash out
I’ll work the math out
I’ll pay the bills
You’ll take the scenic route
Pick up some fresh farm fruit
Life’s little thrills
I’ll take your sage advise
Never make the same mistake twice
No such thing as free
You’ll take the temperature
Of how things are and how things were
And how things should be
There’s just the one thing
That I’d like to diagnose
Why am I always the one
That reaches out to bring you close?
I know you love me
But the evidence is scarce
Want you to want me
To hold me in your stare
Want you tell me
That you miss me when I’m not there
Want you to fantasize
About my arms, my chest, my thighs
About all the things that we could do
Want you to crave me like I crave you
I’ll bring you flowers
Make minutes hours
Turn time to steam
You’ll bring me closer
To myself and our daughter
To my fickle dreams
I’ll bring you happiness
Whatever the hell that is
Something like security
You’ll bring me butterflies
The piercing pull of you eyes
Something like purity
There’s just the one thing
That I’d like to discuss
You know I can’t stand
Speaking about this stuff
Just the one thing
That I’d like to talk about
Why am I always the one
That has to take you out?
I know you love me
But I want to feel it more
Want you to want me
To undress and shut the door
Want you tell me
About the ecstasy in store
Want you to daydream
Our bodies together, sweaty and lean
Kiss me slow before the morning brew
Want you to crave me like I crave you
I’ll keep reaching out to you
I’ll keep your secrets too
I’ll keep the time
You’ll keep me in your heart
Pause the films at the best part
When the baby whines
I’ll keep my promises
No matter what the temptation is
I’ll keep you safe
You’ll keep our old texts
Our photobooks, the toy T-Rex
You’ll keep me waiting and wanting and craving and hoping..
Storm Chaser
Unformed words frozen on your lips
Foreign hands fastened on your hips
Close your eyes, slip into the abyss
Of weightlessness
Tender lies whispered in your ear
Stormy skies breaking in your sneer
Lurching night guiding you to your tryst
With loneliness
You’re a storm chaser
Crave the form of the twister
Taste the rush of the hurricane
The lightning bolt, the whipping rain
The promise of a reckoning
Those angry skies are beckoning
He told you you were everything
He promised you were everything
The calm before the storm
The sirens blare, the bird-calls warn
You know those cries
You’re a storm chaser
Crave the caress of the thunder
Waves that crash, tree that flame
Rips and jolts, pleasure and pain
The promise of a thrill
That steam train sharp and shrill
He swears he loves you still
You know he wants you, hunts you until..
Carnage after the storm
Death, debris, damaged people mourn
You know those cries
You’ve cried those cries
Everyone dies
Before their time
The rainbow shines
The rainbow blinds
The Way I Feel
Your banter was barbed
Your loving was scarred
The beginning was hard
And it only got harder
But the passion was quick
Your touch electric
An antiseptic
For which I would barter
All that you lacked
Patch every crack
My soul still intact
‘Cause it was never on offer
How could I know
That your breakneck would slow?
That your secrets would flow?
That you’d keep getting softer and softer?
It seems that I stowed
Everything that was real
Under camera and code
And iron and steel
I’ve forgotten how to get through
To the way I should feel about you
Your sorrow was silk
Your kisses were milk
You said ‘we’re of the same ilk’
And I stifled a smile
My hand on your skirt
Your friends all alert
The way that I’d flirt
Wasn’t their style
My excuses were weak
Your face wet and sleek
You didn’t make me speak
And for that I was grateful
You held me real tight
You didn’t want to fight
You asked to stay the night
And that made me hateful and spiteful
It seems that I buried
Everything that was true
With the 5am ferry
And the sunrise view
The midnight revelations
With the ingenue
The wild expectations,
The ‘I love you’
And I don’t know how to undo
The way I can’t feel about you
The old fear returned
The lessons never learned
Mementos never burned
Memories like daggers
I lied through my teeth
Swallowed my grief
Tested your belief
And drank ‘till I staggered and staggered
Here Comes the Sun
An overflowing cup
An ever-blooming rose
A love that never wilts
That only grows and grows and grows
A gravity that lifts
Time that blinks and yawns
No end, no beginning
Simply spinning dawn to dawn
A beauty that doesn’t boast
But knocks you off your feet
Can’t stem the flow, in it’s glow
Hypnotized in its heat
A pretty paradox
A question calm at rest
A form just like a storm
Inside a floral summer dress
I’m magnetized
To your searching eyes
To the cadence of your tongue
Can’t come to grips
With your supple hips
How we come together as one
How you came to me
Under the canopy
Parakeets and family
Ancient texts and stones and history
A unity hard-won
Oh darling, here comes the sun
A depth than can’t be probed
Can only be admired
Experienced through cryptic hints
That pour kerosine on your fire
A faith that can’t be dimmed
A mind of mist and stars
A future looms, a rising moon
In our freshly minted hearts
There’s a masterplan
When I hold your hand
When your head rests on my chest
Can’t come to grips
With your loving lips
How they purge me of bitterness
How you came to me
Under the canopy
Reversed rings and cooling breeze
Swaying strings and olive trees
Two turned into one
Oh darling, here comes the sun
You rise above me like the morning sun
And set slowly when the day is done
You mirror the phases of the cycling moon
There’s magic and mystery in every room
You’re in
It’s a sin
For us to ever be apart
We’ve been circling in the same orbit
From the very start
A Painting on our Wall
You say I’m biased
But that’s not true
I’m just blessed with
The very best view
Yes I can see you as you truly are
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms
When I tell you
What it is I see
You sometimes tell me
That you disagree
Well you really should believe me
Cause I’m in communion with infinity
With forces realer than reality
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms
And when I watch you go about your day
The way you move, the things you say
Those lovely details I can’t quite recall
I could go on forever and never list them all
When you’ve got me on the brink
I can’t help but think:
‘You should be a painting’
‘You should be a painting on our wall’
You may think I’m gentle
But that’s not true
I would maim and kill
To protect Tamar and you
No, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms
And when I tell you
What you mean to me
How I’m drawn to you
Magnetically
I hope you soak in every word I say
How the outside world just melts away
How a melody begins to play
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms
And when I watch you nurse Tamar to sleep
The way you hum to her, her foot by your cheek
The way you comfort her when she falls
That sacred tie between your tethered souls
That eternal link
I can’t help but think:
‘You should be a painting’
‘You both should be a painting on our wall’
My breath goes quick, my head gets faint
God I wish that I could paint
But all I’ve got are words and notes
And chords to carry them like boats
And a voice that’s a window to my mind
And a soul that’ll always love yours
With rhythm and rhyme
You’re a Momma Now
You were everything before
Now somehow you’re even more
You’re a momma now
Cause we spoke those sacred lines
The moon and stars aligned
And Tamar came down
Cub and momma bear
It’s a primal bond you share
It’s my job job to make sure nothing interferes
As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears
You protect her like a lioness
Fierce and uncompromising
It’s beautiful and proud
And your patience is a miracle
When she rests on you my heart is full
You’re a momma now
Things aren’t getting any easier
And you keep on getting prettier
What’s that about?
Yes you always were a sorceress
What you did to me every time me kissed
And you’re a momma now
Cub and momma bear
It’s a physical bond you share
I’ll bring you tea and toast and fend off all your fears
As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears
And when exhaustion strikes
And we hit new lows
I want you to always know
That I’ll be around
To fight with you through any storm
To take your side and keep you warm
You’re a momma now
We’re a family now
And you will always be the answer
To my doubts
When I hold you, my soul’s no longer
Crying out
No there’s no solace like
The meeting of our mouths
You’re my one true love
And you’re a momma now
Perfectly Shlomit
You told me horror films help you relax
Set off a flood of questions
I was too afraid to ask
So I held my tongue, you tiptoed then plunged
Through childhood memories
Moved from Jung to love to art
A miracle, a mystery
And when you speak of mysticism
Those slippery words ring true
It’s the only language in my grasp
For how I feel for you
I mourn every day that passed
Before I came your way
Thank whoever’s pulling the strings
I treasure every day
And when I hold you close
I whisper “You are perfect”
And you quietly disagree
Well you’re not perfect
But you’re the one for me
Nobody’s perfect
But you’re perfectly Shlomit
You point out lonely wisps of clouds that pass by overhead
Clear blue skies just don’t provide those subtle shades of red
That leak into the skyline after sunset or at dawn
It’s clear that you are perfect holding hands atop Mont Boron
You see beauty in the ugly
You see symbols, signs, and stars
I see magic, I see treasure
As I piece together who you are
Remember when we spoke about
September by The Shins?
Now your it’s your soul that sings to me
You’re my melody
I’m forever listening
And when I hold you close
I whisper “You are perfect”
And you silently disagree
Well you’re not perfect
But you’re the one for me
Nobody’s perfect
But you’re perfectly Shlomit
I’m running out of goodbyes
That tear-stained rupture
I’m running out of goodbyes
Another one will bury me
I’m running out of goodbyes
God I love her
I’m running out of goodbyes
Torn apart by labyrinthine seas
I’m running out of goodbyes
They sting my throat, they burn my chest
I’m running out of goodbyes
The slow march to a last embrace
I’m running out of goodbyes
The sweet notes then the bitterness
I’m running out of goodbyes
Desperate attempts to memorize your face
Tamar
You sparked a heat wave
That snapped when you came home
Every time I held you
I was petrified I’d break your bones
Your momma moved the earth and seas
To bring you here
And with the greatest love
Come the deepest shades of fear
The labor lasted
An eternity, maybe more
But ‘eternity’, ‘infinity’
Those words just don’t mean what they did before
You took our breaths away
Also our sleep
My heart would halt, then somersault
Every time you made a peep
You are sweeter than the dates upon the palm
Whether you’re a frothing sea or a forest, cool and calm
Thrown into a world at war but safe in mama’s arms
Swaddled in mama’s charms
I’d prop you up on the pillow of my lap
Place you over my shoulder, pace around the room to help you nap
You’d only agree to sleep in our arms, tummy full
When instead we put you to bed, you’d wake in a state of betrayal
You weren’t crawling yet, not even teething
Every second or so,
I’d check your neck to make sure you were breathing
When that smile first spread along your face
And lit your eyes
Seedlings sprang and bloomed in a heartbeat
Seasons came and rolled right by
I can fit your fragile head into the pocket of my palm
You can have whatever words I’ve said and keep them as a balm
If there’s something shepherding the prayers and the psalms
Please, help us raise her like the dawn
You’re raw emotion radiating
Inconsolable then intoxicating
Curiously contemplating
Our garbled gobbledygook
Your will is iron, your mind is pure
You’re no blank slate, you’re so much more
You’re Tamar Eliana to the very core
Love lingers in your look
You’re fresher than a handpicked fig
Yet older than a fading star
You’ll grow and grow until you’re big
But you’ll always be perfectly Tamar
The Same Thing
The rise and fall of your chest
The wax and wane of the moon
The ebb and flow of the tide
January melting into June
The swell of the strings
It’s all the same thing
The glint in your eyes
The glimmer of the lake
The winking of the stars
The memories that we make
The shine of my wedding ring
It’s all the same thing
I miss you
Even when I’m with you
Like the poet yearns to sing
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing
The splash of your laughter
The tinkling of a glass
Wind through a chime
Dewdrops on the grass
A hummingbird’s wings
It’s all the same thing
The dimple in your cheek
Raindrops carving the snow
Green valley in the mountains
Your hair pressed in a bow
Cracked pavement flowering
It’s all the same thing
I want you
Even when I’ve got you
Like the mistress craves a fling
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing
The nape of your neck
The small of your back
Swaying butterfly perch
Sloping wooded path
Cool creek’s gentle sting
It’s all the same thing
Soft tangle of you hair
Branches billowing free
Twigs twined in a nest
Stone walls draped in ivy
Woolen throw when you’re shivering
It’s all the same thing
To live with someone you love this much
Is a frozen reservoir shattering
Thoughts that gnawed at you late at night
Suddenly stop mattering
Take the plunge
Fill your lungs
Let the change within begin
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing
Over My Dead Body
“Over my dead body,” you said
But for years now your body’s been dead
Your lips and your hips and your hands
They don’t work like they used to
“I’m sorry, I don’t love you no more”
“The kids know, the rings in the drawer”
A slap, then a laugh, then the wrath
Then the sarcastic ‘thank you’s
“Thank you for letting me know”
“Thank you for letting me go”
Belief, then relief, then a screech
Of tires, a door slamming shut
“Over my dead body” you said
You couldn’t stand to bury the dead
One hint of life, like a spark in the night
In your gut
Could spread like a wildfire
In the right conditions
Could flame like a live wire
If he would only listen
Burn though the derision
Cauterize the incision
But you
In your powder blue dress
Your hair all a mess
Your eyes the dark side
Of the moon
Your future ablaze
Your past all a maze
That you finally found your way through
Do we ever really find our way through?
“Over my dead body,” ma said
The clap of a slap and dad bled
You stood frozen in place,
Your face pressed against the door slit
Breathless, you ran to the shed
Your pretty world tearing to shreds
Heard something shatter
A vase or a platter, something delicate
The sun sat still over the plains
Fields of cotton and sugarcane
All flat and unfeeling,
Your mind was still reeling
For hours
Now you think of that kid you once were
How it all passes by in a blur
How things don’t get better
They simmer and fester
And sour
And rage like a wildfire
In red flag conditions
Flame like a live wire
Key in the ignition
One more bad decision
Those angry ghosts have risen
But you
With your razor sharp wit
Your comebacks and quips
Your lies like the cries of the loon
Always blowing off steam
Your past a bad dream
That you finally put behind you
But do we ever really make our way through?
Do our dreams ever really come true?
But dad warned you after the wreck
“Don’t look back, you’ll get a sore neck”
And sooner or later
He’ll get caught in the crater
You left
Little One
Little one, the morning sun
Is breaking through those heavy clouds
Little one, is that where you’re from?
Why did you choose us, why did you choose now?
Little one, there’s no practice run
For showing you the ropes
Little one, you’ll crawl, walk, then run
Tripping on those ticking tropes
Together
We will measure
Wistful whims and weather
Stash stones, sticks and feathers
And treasure
Our time
Together
Little one, wait till you see the sun
There’s a whole wide world with bated breath
Waits for you, those songbirds flew
And landed in your tiny nest
Little one, oh you’ll be stunned
By the color and the throbbing life
Little one, our hearts are parts of the same one
Even after we turn out the lights
Together
We’ll grow stronger
Our shifting shadows longer
The world will whet your hunger
You’ll wonder
Whether
The pieces fit
Together
You’re a rainbow in the nighttime
You’re the sight restored to the blind
I’m the canary in the coal mine
Screaming out the warning signs
To keep you safe
I just can’t wait to glimpse your little face
I’ll hold you close and tender
Hum you tunes and help you render
That topsy-turvy fender-bender
Of molecules and misremembered
Days and dreams
And I know we’re more than huffs and puffs of steam
You’ll see this world is much more than it seems
I promise you will fall in love
With the worms below and the stars above
With the grass and the hills and the trees
With the simple hope in all the complexity
Somewhere
Somewhere
The swing set creeks
A ghost or a breeze?
Blind bats whisper up above
And the woods
Breathe with life
Watch passersby
Surrender their worries to its love
Hurricane
Floods the streets
The world bleeds
Life seeps into the gutters
Where children swim
Catch butterflies
Chase fireflies
‘Till morning cracks the shutters
To a world
Where bandaids fail
Where pain prevails
We search and we search for that place
We used to know
Of snow days
Of paper planes
When life was not a race
But a hot bath
Where bubbles licked
Our fingertips
And vanished without a trace
Somewhere
It all must lie
When neurons die
When our last breath escapes
Shibboleth
Every evening—same thing
Tire swing, earphones in
Halfhearted scrolling
Thinking bout something..
Something like a getaway
Magic trick, great escape
Open sunroof, freeway
Hollywood escapade
Or maybe the opposite
Blending in, perfect fit
Cozy clique, tight-nit
Sleepover gossip
Never say the right thing
On the outside looking in
Wrong wavelength, bad wiring
Too quiet, desperate, too everything
Yesterday you overheard
Girls studying a vocab word
Some sort of Bible myth
A secret code, custom, belief
The lilt of your voice, the way you speak
Shibboleth
Who to spend lunch break with
Casual, not too stiff
Effortless
How to study for this test?
What to say (10 points),
How to dress (5 points),
Shibboleth
Sinking sun, squeaky seesaw
Kids go home, final crows caw
A voice rehearses your every flaw
Your heart heavy, your eyes raw
Leaning on the sliding pole
Spiral down the rabbit hole
Vacant frown, free-fall
Hate yourself, hate it all
Ran away only once
Dad said: ‘cute little stunt’
Mom said: ‘the hell do you want?’
No one else noticed you were gone
Turn the music up some more
Trudge back home, past the corner store
Slip quietly through the front door
Earphones in, unhinged, unmoored
But you’ll get past this high school hell
New college clothes, new stories to tell
First real kiss
No secret codes, custom, beliefs
No eye rolls every time you speak
No shibboleths
Lunch break with best friends
Sarcasm and split-ends
Almost effortless
Study circles, nail-biting tests
Films to discuss (5 stars),
Loves to confess (broken hearts),
Your own shibboleths
How do you tell her
That it will get better?
The emptiness
How do you tell her
They don’t last forever?
Those shibboleths
Imposter
I’m not the best person I can be
That much I can pretty much guarantee
I spend too much time trapped in my own head
Where my selfish hopes and daunting dreams are fed
I’m not good at keeping in touch with friends
And even worse at budgeting the money I spend
Parrot all the talking points I hear
Pretend that I’m not limping through life in fear
That I’ll be found out
Finally seen
As the imposter
That I’ve always been
Found out
Exposed
As the imposter
That I’ve always known
I’m not good at parking in tight spots
Don’t mention public speaking, I’d rather be shot
My clever retorts are always minutes late
Sometimes I confuse cities with states
Waste half my time aimless on my phone
Instead of on those skills I’d love to hone
Happiness, I’ll find it in a year
Meditate, sedate, silence the fear
That I’ll be found out
Finally seen
As the imposter that I’ve always been
Found out
Exposed
As the imposter that I’ve always known
They say fake it till you make it
If it ain’t broke then break it
If you want something, take it
I’d like to take my time
Don’t miss the forest for the trees
Dot your I’s and cross your T’s
Seize all your opportunities
Don’t matter if they’re right
Don’t let yourself fall behind
But I’d like to take my time
To fall softly behind
Seek life of every kind
Taste the sweet sunshine
Resist the call to climb
Every ladder I can find
It’s the blind leading the blind
Leading the blind
Leading the blind
Leading the blind
Waiting to Win the Lottery
She wakes up early
Takes her jog
Her breath trails out in smoke
Keeps her brain from overload
Gets to work
Presses on her mask
She speaks the language well
Eats lunch by the liberty bell
Her train is late
She’s home by 8
Scrolls through her endless feed
Netflix, then an early sleep
She knows
Someday she’s gonna wake up
Not worry bout the break up
The lonely sea
She knows
Someday she will be laughing
With her kids and multitasking
Like the mothers she’s seen
She can’t stand the wait
She goes on dates
But they never seem to click
Her childhood friends are married with kids
Every now and then
She goes out with friends
They drink and dance, feel free
Then back to monotony
She knows
One more swipe then jackpot
No more cooks and crackpots
No more anxiety
Those hopes
They keep her up past midnight
Just one more app, one more swipe
Until finally..
She goes to sleep
Another friend engaged
She feels envy and rage
At best musters apathy
She hates her jealousy
She cries
Convinced she’s reached her twilight
No curtain call, no spotlight
No Hollywood dreams
She sighs
Assures herself it’s alright
Idyllic days are in sight
She’s just got to..
Believe
Gunpowder Falls
Last night I dreamed that it was snowing
The world was crisp and white and glowing
But I when I woke up, my eyes raw,
When my dream began to thaw,
When my heartbeat started slowing
It was your face that came flooding
Memories warm and soft and sudden
Like when you reach into your pocket
No phone, no keys, no cash, no wallet
The punch to the gut when you’ve got nothing
That’s when I noticed my face was wet
And my shirt was soaked in sweat
Flashes from the dream arose
As I peeled off my damp clothes
We forget our dreams but our dream don’t forget
Searing shower in the dark
Shrieking crickets and hollow barks
It’s the stillness of 3am
That welcomes you into my life again
That assassin always hits its mark
And I can’t tell whether I cherish those dreams
Or despise them
When the morning mist meets the shower steam
Am I wise then?
‘Cause then I know
I should never have let you go
Last week I dreamed my teeth were falling out
Like your faith in God once you began to doubt
First one wobbled, then broke loose
And all the rest just followed suit
Woke with a start, then forgot what the dream was about
Only came back the other day
Heading home on the subway
Across from a lady with no teeth
Her clothes were torn, her eyes were grief
Changed cars next stop, stench was too great
It strikes in a flash
Kingfisher’s call
That time you pretended to push me
Down gunpowder falls
‘Cause it was then I knew
That I wanted to spend my life with you
In your arms I knew
It was either the falls or you
Giggling as we kissed, I knew
Shivering in the mist, I knew
Pacifiers and Parking Lots
Pacifiers and parking lots
Still don’t know who you are
But you know who you’re not
And that’s a start
Dirty diapers, dead-end dates
Rundown roads, working late
Down at the Mini-Mart
Freezing rain, slick black ice
Split-second turn
Didn’t look twice
And you spun out
Totaled car, barely a scratch
Doctor said, “someone up there’s got your back”
But luck runs out
Made you think of the time
When you were kid
Raffle at school
You bought a ticket
With your pocket change
To relieve the boredom
Won a brand new bike
And you tore through town
Hands in the air
Wind whistling all around
Was the sound of change
Was the sound of freedom
Scorching summer, steaming tar
Played you songs on his guitar
New boy in town
Car seat kisses, first cigarette
Moonlit movies, worn cassette
Playing homeward bound
Daring dreams, pithy plans
World unfurled inside his hands
You were moving fast
Cold coffee, cheap cafe
“I think I’m pregnant”
“It’ll be okay”
But his tone was flat
Made you think of the time
When you were kid
Raffle at school
You bought a ticket
With your pocket change
To believe in something
Raced straight home
On your brand new bike
Caught mom with a man
You didn’t know or like
She said: “honey, people change”
And you started running
And you never stopped
Pacifiers and parking lots
Last night you dreamt
You were speeding down the street
Whipping round the bend
Cutting through the sleet
Arms weightless in the air
Handlebars under your feet
Wind frozen in your hair
Racing heartbeat
Just kept going, didn’t stop
No pacifiers, no parking lots
Drones and Dishes
Days of drones and dishes looming
Sirens screaming, rockets booming
I’ll turn on something soft and soothing
Sweep the floor and sing
Stock the shelter, keep my cool
Pick the grandkids up from school
Dig out my set of power tools
Fix what needs fixing
‘Cause I’m not moving to no hotel
My home is here, my kids as well
The neighbors split, but what the hell
They were all bark and no bite
My grandson Gal is in the reserves
Got a lot of lip and too much nerve
Got a pregnant wife who he left to serve
Said: ‘Grandpa, I’ll be alright’
The TV shouts the news reports
Night grow long, days get short
Thoughts and memories to sort
Worries and fears to stoke
In the distance, plumes of smoke
Late at night I still hear the roar
Scenes from the Yom Kippur War
Tanks advancing, gunshots, and gore
‘Till the jackals drag me from the dead
Never spoke a word about it
Changed the topic or talked around it
Hid my helmet but the boys found it
Tucked away in the shed
It’s been two years since Tali passed
Tumor tore through her lungs and back
Doc dealt percentages, we did the math
She said: ‘I’m dying, that’s a fact’
Gal’s baby girl will be named Tali too
The name means something like: ‘my dew’
I’d say it helps but it wouldn’t be true
Just want my Tali back
She’d get me through the drones and dishes,
Birthday cards and get-well wishes
Clean me up and sew the stitches
When my balance goes
When the sirens sound, I stay in place
Sit back on the sofa and stare into space
It’s me against time, no one wins that race
Whatever happens happens, I suppose
TV says we must stay strong
Nights get short, days grow long
Grandkids visit, then they’re gone
Dishes in the sink to soak
Been a while since I last spoke
But in my head conversations flow
Sometimes Tali even tells me jokes
I laugh real hard until I choke
In the distance, rising smoke
Little Explorer
Crawling and grabbing
Bawling and babbling
Toppling and having
Her toys and eating them too
Hiccuping and laughing
Clambering and clapping
Mirroring and mapping
The room with her stuffed animal crew
Balled fists
Feet in her mouth
Elastic wrists
Under the couch
Mouth of marbles
Chameleon eyes
Face of marvels
Sunny and sly
The whole world’s there for her
My little explorer
Discovery, dawning delight
How do I warn her?
My little explorer
The dangers that dance in her sights
Pinching and scratching
Lunging and latching
Biting and basking
In our attention
Squealing and tearing
Fearing and daring
Smiling and staring
At her reflection
Self-sufficient
Deeply dependent
Unconditioned
Perfectly present
Curious mind
Spiraling hair
Expanding time
Wonders everywhere
Oh how I bore her
My little explorer
Her energy never runs dry
How do I warn her
My little explorer
Lock drawers and move things real high
How I adore her
My little explorer
Growing too slow and too fast
How do I warn her
My little explorer
That this delicate phase will not last
Oh how I want it to pass
But God how I hope it’ll last
Jeremy Koloski 