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  • Catastrophic Calm

    Last night I dreamt that burning planes were falling from the sky
    Twisters were tearing through the fields
    You just stood and stared in a pair of heels
    Something was awry
    There was a glint in your eye
    You were biting into an apple with a thick red peel

    When I snapped awake, you were fast asleep by my side
    Your face all angelic, your hair a mess
    Honey, you were looking your best
    I wish I could’ve seen
    Whatever visions lit your dreams
    I touched your hair and pulled the blanket over your breast

    This morning I’ll get out of bed long before the sun
    It’s a habit that I just can seem to break
    Put my headphones on, get the gloves and rake
    The world serene and still
    In the early morning chill
    It’s a sweet and it’s a silent sort of ache

    Honey, you mean more to me
    Than you will ever know, you see
    I’m not real good at saying what I’m thinking
    It’s been thirty years, give or take
    Summer weekends by the lake
    Odd jobs here and there when we started sinking

    Sometimes I imagine where my life would be
    If I did things differently
    But I don’t let that train take me very far
    I’m happy where I am—where we are

    When I was a kid, sometimes I couldn’t fall asleep
    Afraid a man would climb in through the window
    Cut my throat and take my stuffed dog Bingo
    Pictured all the things I’d do
    When that thief came climbing through
    Tucked that dog real safe under my pillow

    The other week a silver car came careening from behind
    And picked up speed ‘till it smashed into a pole
    Burst into flames—smoke and all
    Didn’t know what the hell to do
    Had a strange sense of déjà vu
    Dialed 911, but never placed the call

    The kids are all grown up now, living their own lives
    Nothing I said ever seemed to make a dent
    I check in sometimes, make sure they can cover rent
    When they were small, I was working late
    But I did my best to raise them straight
    Still working out where all those memories went

    Honey, you mean more to me
    Than you will ever know, you see
    I’m not real good at saying what I’m thinking
    It’s been thirty years give or take
    We never caught that lucky break
    Everything rushed past without us blinking

    Sometimes I entertain this little fantasy
    Where I do things differently
    But I’m grateful how things turned out for me so far
    I’m happy where I am—where we are

    I’m not gonna lie
    When the planes are falling from the sky
    I find it more exciting than alarming
    I find you quite inviting and disarming
    There’s probably something wrong with me
    Blame it on too much TV
    But I can’t think of anyone it’s harming
    Standing there dressed all in white
    An apparition, a trick of light
    It’s a catastrophic calm that I find charming

    Sometimes I indulge a little fantasy
    Where I do things differently
    Where my dreams are not so vivid and bizarre
    But I’m happy where I am—where we are

  • Corner of Your Mind

    There’s a dark corner of your mind
    That every now and then you visit
    Sometimes it’s a comfort
    Sometimes it’s a curse
    But it’s not going anywhere is it?

    There’s a light winking by the bay
    A carousel spinning in the night
    A fortunate teller’s booth,
    Incense and a golden tooth
    She don’t read palms but she’s got the second sight

    There’s a treasure buried deep within the sand
    A pearl growing slow in the seashell
    Bring it to your ear, breathe in the atmosphere
    Don’t forget it in the drawer of the motel

    There’s a thunderhead getting loud and looking mean
    A boy with a hunger in his eyes
    He barely knows your name
    But he loves you all the same
    And the world has yet to cut him down to size

    Flickering dreams, storybook guile
    Secret spells, wishing wells, necklace made from old seashells
    Faltering hope, unsteady smile
    Vulnerable, formidable, utterly insatiable

    You got a power that you’re learning how to use
    So many roads ahead and you don’t know how to choose

    There’s a graveyard baking in the sun
    A priest sweating through his speech
    You’ve never known this kind of hurt
    Your eyes fixed upon the dirt
    Your mind far off with the seagulls at the beach

    There’s a monster underneath your bed
    A ghost hiding in your closet
    But you’re too old for that
    You’ll never be an acrobat
    You got loans and a security deposit

    There’s a groom waiting anxious for your hand
    One ring now and another on the way
    There’s that fortune on your mind
    You were told when you were nine
    By the funny smelling woman by the bay

    There’s a love like honey on a sore throat
    A voice that is strong as it is kind
    It’s been almost a year
    Since you dared to venture near
    That lonely cobwebbed corner of your mind

    Varicose veins, scars, and sunspots
    Sunrise runs, silly puns, backyard pool with water guns
    Daycare drop-offs, stomach in knots
    Mortgage rates, oven grates, squeezing in romantic dates

    You got a power that you learned not to abuse
    Made your peace, but now there’s so much more to lose
    You got a power that you’re passing down the line
    Will you lift the veil and let them peer behind?
    Will you let them in to the corners of your mind?

  • The Heart is a Muscle (A Response)

    I know you think that you’re a bad bet
    But there’s so much we haven’t tried yet
    Remember mornings sipping coffee?
    Hushed confessions that you love me?
    The first time

    I know you think we’ve tried it all
    I know you think you’re my downfall
    Remember when we were kids with cooties?
    Remember Sundays at the movies?
    The popcorn line

    I remember getting caught in that thunderstorm
    Happily,
    Flushed and free
    Only thing that mattered to me was you

    I remember those late night country drives
    Heaven-bound,
    Windows down
    Couldn’t see a thing, but I loved the view

    A heart’s a muscle too
    When you use it, it gets sore
    But honey, never shut an open door

    Now let’s address my expectations
    There won’t be any revelations
    I want a home, I want a family
    Our own kids begging us for candy
    To start anew

    Our own yard with our own fruit trees
    Our own toolshed with our own keys
    A border collie by the table
    Something real and something stable
    To grow old with you

    I remember cinematic fights
    Epithets
    We both regret
    Making up with the passion of our first time

    I remember pangs of pain and pillow talk
    Wide-awake,
    Everything at stake
    Sorting through the rubble we left behind

    I know you want it too
    Don’t tell me it’s a bore
    Honey, never shut an open door

    A heart’s a muscle too
    When you use it, it gets sore
    Don’t tell me you don’t love me anymore

  • Done for Good

    I’m not a bet you should’ve ever placed
    No, I’m a truth you should’ve never faced
    If I were you I’d stay the hell away from me from now for good

    But for some reason you keep coming back
    Shining eyes, a new plan of attack
    As if you know me like nobody else ever really could

    Remember dancing down the boulevard?
    Everyone took shelter, it was raining hard
    We were giggling like star-crossed runaways in a Hollywood heist scene

    Remember kissing when no one was home?
    Smell of sun and sweat and cheap cologne
    Remember crying on my shoulder—your dad said something he didn’t mean

    Wish I could take you in my arms
    And tell you everything will be alright
    Give you all the things you want
    Lazy Sundays, kids, and paper kites
    Building forts and shoveling snow
    In a December wind that digs and bites
    Whipping custard with egg-yolks
    Making cookies with the leftover egg-whites
    I’m sorry dear, I really wish I could
    But I think this time we’re really done for good

    I’m not a taste that anyone acquires
    I’m many things, but I am not a liar
    I told you everything I wanted and I needed from the start

    I’m a poison you keep drinking in
    You’re pure as hell and I’m your cardinal sin
    You think our life’s a pretty little play and you can orchestrate our parts

    Remember fighting like we invented it?
    Found every weak spot, leaned into every hit
    Remember hours spent in silence as we digested what we’d said

    Remember the sharp sting of our remorse?
    When we finally spoke the word ‘divorce’
    Took the pulse of our silly dreams and found them cold and dead

    Won’t you take me in your arms
    And whisper everything will be alright
    Don’t care what it is you say
    Could be false and lame and cheap and trite
    I won’t listen very hard
    No more judgements or the good old spite
    Remember driving in the dark?
    Empty streets glowing in the moonlight
    I’m sorry love, I really wish you could
    But I think this time we’re really done for good

  • Better Things

    I don’t want another fight
    Bitter words, backhanded slights
    I don’t want to feel the ache
    A heart always about to break
    Dreams that just refuse to die
    But never seem to come alive
    Just simmer and whimper and fester and linger

    I don’t wanna be afraid
    Of all the promises we made
    The wrong thing at the wrong time
    Committing even petty crimes
    Looking back at this lousy life
    And thinking: ‘Where the hell was I?’
    When everything was going down
    A king expecting to be crowned
    Anticipating and bating and waiting and hating it all

    I know I am meant for better things
    If I could just apply myself
    I know I am meant for better things
    Private jets, not rising debts
    Respect and fame and wealth

    I know I am meant for better things
    If I could just find myself
    I know I am meant for better things
    But life gets in the way
    The bills you need to pay
    The years that slip away..
    Princes know one day they may be kings
    And I know I’m on track for better things

    I don’t want to compromise
    To fill my mind with soothing lies
    That this misery is just for now
    While I work out exactly how
    To pay my dues and learn the tools
    To play the game by my own rules
    To answer to no one else but me
    To know what if feels like to be free

    I’ll wait, for now, for my time to come
    Absorb every blow one-by-one
    Count my blessings 1-2-3
    Be whoever I need to be
    Hang some mantras on the wall
    Numb the pain with alcohol
    Clean the house and donate clothes
    Live inside of my tv shows

    I know I am meant for better things
    If I could just apply myself
    I know I am meant for better things
    Exclusive clubs, beachfronts, hot tubs
    Respect and fame and wealth

    I know I am meant for better things
    If I could just find myself
    I know I am meant for better things
    But life gets in the way
    The hair that thins and grays
    The disappearing days..
    Nestlings know one day they’ll spread their wings
    And I know I’m destined for better things

  • Summer Suburbs

    Summer suburbs, water gun wars
    There was joy in the air 
    There was candy in stores
    We would bike through the streets
    We would climb through the trees
    There was nothing to lose
    And so much to seize

    Fifteen years later, summer arrives
    You were fired from your job
    I am working till nine
    You’re behind on your rent
    And my energy’s spent
    Let’s watch some TV
    Wouldn’t it be nice to be them

    Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
    We’ll buy a house and raise a family 
    Make sure our kids have their summer fun
    We never realize just how soon it is gone 

    There was a man who said he’d found the key
    You must embrace your passions
    You must follow your dreams
    So he took off a year, 
    And he took on his fears,
    And he fell to his death,
    But some mountains were cleared

    And what about the man who worked to the bone?
    In pursuit of the career 
    That would make him well-known 
    He would never give up
    But the cancer still struck 
    And the chemo still failed
    Our time is never enough

    Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
    We’ll buy a house and raise a family 
    Make sure our kids have their summer fun
    We never realize just how soon it is gone

    So I ask myself what is my worth?
    With my head in the sky
    And my feet in the dirt
    Am I a link in a chain? 
    Am I a heart or a brain?
    Is it pleasure I seek?
    What is the point of this pain?

  • Mirrors 

    You’re living a life of plenty
    Alone, adrift, and empty
    He’s tells you: ‘It was God who sent me’
    You trip into his trap
    Sit naked upon his lap

    Now you’re living a life of rejection
    Of spiritual perfection
    He offers you direction
    You’re heady and hypnotized
    By his unblinking eyes

    He may ask for favors
    Every now and then
    But he is still your savior
    He is your best friend

    You drink up his preaching
    Edge of seat, attention rapt
    Evangelize his teachings
    Carefully lay out his traps

    Just remember to:
    Keep away from reflective surfaces
    Avoid any expensive purchases
    Bow and ‘wow’ at every word of his
    Give him everything you own

    Because if you sing his praise and write his ballads
    Every thought you share is valid
    It seems you’re only eating salads
    Your skin is showing bones

    But you couldn’t be thinking clearer
    Because you never stare at mirrors
    No, you’ve never felt more sane
    Because you finally shed your name
    No, you’ll never be the same

    Your mom said:
    ‘This is not benign neglect
    This is not some harmless sect
    It’s a slow-motion train wreck
    He’s a megalomaniac’

    You said:
    ‘How could you ever understand?
    You could never see God’s hand
    In your diets and designer brands
    I don’t appreciate the attack’
    And that was that

    May be downsides and dangers
    Every now and then
    But he is still your savior
    He is your best friend

    You drink up his preaching
    Nod along with the crowd
    Evangelize his teachings
    Don’t let the small voice get too loud

    Just remember to:
    Keep away from reflective surfaces
    Avoid any expensive purchases
    Kneel and squeal at every word of his
    Give him everything you own

    Don’t listen to:
    The whispers of the bad behavior
    The doubts that he is not your savior
    The fear that you have lost this wager
    The conviction in your bones

    Now there’s a stranger in the mirror
    You miss her, you fear her
    Now your name holds a question
    Is this cowardice or confession?
    Yes, the mirror reveals a stranger
    You love her, you hate her
    Yes, there’s a question in your name
    How many demons can you tame?
    No, you’ll never be the same

  • Milestones

    It seems that every milestone
    Looks more and more like a tomb
    In a graveyard neglected and overgrown
    Taunting: “Take a good look, you’ll be here soon.”

    There’s only so long I can avert my gaze
    And focus on the run
    Will they remember me with a shining glaze?
    An epitaph: ‘loving father, husband, and son?’

    First few decades, my sole concern
    Was pulling it off as cool
    Nonchalant, confident, never taciturn
    And only occasionally cruel

    If you want to reach the ladder’s top
    You must step on those below
    It’s a law of nature, it’s a rule of God
    Never get swept in the undertow

    My memories of my college years
    Are ones of girls and shots
    Of skin and sweat and mascara tears
    Played the game, pulled every slot

    From all the wreckage I left in wake
    All the baggage I kept in tow
    From every lie and careless mistake
    I hewed my very first milestone

    Her name was Mary and my friends agreed
    She was a steal, a catch, a dream
    Met her at a party that reeked of weed
    She said, “I think you’re nicer than you seem.”

    I did my best not to prove her theory wrong
    I tried to change my tune
    Graduated, hitched, and before too long
    There were babies, bills, and birthday balloons

    I coasted through the next decades
    Or at least that how it appeared
    Only the kids saw the fists, the rage
    When I tried to beat away my fears

    Never showed an ounce of shame
    The kids, the job, the home
    Raises, promotions, mortgages paid
    Milestone after milestone

    I only cheated on Mary once
    With a girl who exposed every one of my flaws
    But Mary—bless her soul—never even had a hunch
    The cancer got her after menopause

    Now the thought of sleeping with any other woman
    Breaks my lonely heart
    And the thought of the affair—that loveless loving
    Rips my callous soul apart

    The doctor will assist my final milestone
    It’s legal here in Oregon
    I’ve been filling my days with puzzles on my phone
    Hoping the kids won’t think I’ve chosen wrong

    There’s only so long ‘till I avert my gaze
    When I focus on the sun
    Will they remember me with glowing praise,
    A homily recounting all the battles I’ve won?

  • Just One Thing

    I’ll take the trash out
    I’ll work the math out
    I’ll pay the bills

    You’ll take the scenic route
    Pick up some fresh farm fruit
    Life’s little thrills

    I’ll take you in my arms
    Change the batteries in the smoke alarm
    When it starts to beep

    You’ll take the temperature
    Of how things are and how things were
    And how things should be

    There’s just the one thing
    That I’d like to diagnose
    Why am I always the one
    That reaches out to bring you close?

    I know you love me
    But the evidence is scarce
    Want you to want me
    To hold me in your stare
    Want you tell me
    That you miss me when I’m not there

    Want you to fantasize
    About my arms, my chest, my thighs
    About all the things that we could do
    Want you to crave me like I crave you

    I’ll bring you flowers
    And when the milk sours
    I’ll throw it out

    You’ll bring me closer
    To myself and our daughter
    Won’t let me pout

    I’ll bring you happiness
    Whatever the hell that is
    Something like security

    You’ll bring me butterflies
    The piercing pull of you eyes
    Something like purity

    There’s just the one thing
    That I’d like to discuss
    You know I can’t stand
    Speaking about this stuff

    Just the one thing
    That I’d like to talk about
    Why am I always the one
    That has to take you out?

    I know you love me
    But I want to feel it more
    Want you to want me
    To undress and shut the door
    Want you tell me
    About the ecstasy in store

    Want you to daydream
    Our bodies together, sweaty and lean
    Kiss me slow before the morning brew
    Want you to crave me like I crave you

    I’ll keep reaching out to you
    I’ll keep your secrets too
    I’ll keep the time

    You’ll keep me in your heart
    Pause the films at the best part
    When the baby whines

    I’ll keep my promises
    No matter what the temptation is
    I’ll keep you safe

    You’ll keep our old texts
    Our photobooks, the toy T-Rex
    You’ll keep me waiting and wanting and craving and hoping..

  • Storm Chaser

    Unformed words frozen on your lips
    Foreign hands fastened on your hips
    Close your eyes, slip into the abyss
    Of weightlessness

    Tender lies whispered in your ear
    Stormy skies breaking in your sneer
    Lurching night guiding you to your tryst
    With loneliness

    You’re a storm chaser
    Crave the form of the twister
    Taste the rush of the hurricane
    The lightning bolt, the whipping rain

    The promise of a reckoning
    Those angry skies are beckoning
    He told you you were everything
    He promised you were everything

    The calm before the storm
    The sirens blare, the bird-calls warn
    You know those cries

    You’re a storm chaser
    Crave the caress of the thunder
    Waves that crash, tree that flame
    Rips and jolts, pleasure and pain

    The promise of a thrill
    That steam train sharp and shrill
    He swears he loves you still
    You know he wants you, hunts you until..

    Carnage after the storm
    Death, debris, damaged people mourn
    You know those cries
    You’ve cried those cries
    Everyone dies
    Before their time
    The rainbow shines
    The rainbow blinds

  • The Way I Feel

    Your banter was barbed
    Your loving was scarred
    The beginning was hard
    And it only got harder

    But the passion was quick
    Your touch electric
    An antiseptic
    For which I would barter

    All that you lacked
    Patch every crack
    My soul still intact
    ‘Cause it was never on offer

    How could I know
    That your breakneck would slow?
    That your secrets would flow?
    That you’d keep getting softer and softer?

    It seems that I stowed
    Everything that was real
    Under camera and code
    And iron and steel
    I’ve forgotten how to get through
    To the way I should feel about you

    Your sorrow was silk
    Your kisses were milk
    You said ‘we’re of the same ilk’
    And I stifled a smile

    My hand on your skirt
    Your friends all alert
    The way that I’d flirt
    Wasn’t their style

    My excuses were weak
    Your face wet and sleek
    You didn’t make me speak
    And for that I was grateful

    You held me real tight
    You didn’t want to fight
    You asked to stay the night
    And that made me hateful and spiteful

    It seems that I buried
    Everything that was true
    With the 5am ferry
    And the sunrise view
    The midnight revelations
    With the ingenue
    The wild expectations,
    The ‘I love you’
    And I don’t know how to undo
    The way I can’t feel about you

    The old fear returned
    The lessons never learned
    Mementos never burned
    Memories like daggers

    I lied through my teeth
    Swallowed my grief
    Tested your belief
    And drank ‘till I staggered and staggered


  • Over My Dead Body

    “Over my dead body,” you said
    But for years now your body’s been dead
    Your lips and your hips and your hands
    They don’t work like they used to

    “I’m sorry, I don’t love you no more”
    “The kids know, the rings in the drawer”
    A slap, then a laugh, then the wrath
    Then the sarcastic thank you’s

    “Thank you for letting me know”
    “Thank you for letting me go”
    Belief, then relief, then a screech
    Of tires, a door slamming shut

    “Over my dead body” you said
    You couldn’t stand to bury the dead
    One hint of life, like a spark in the night
    In your gut

    Could spread like a wildfire
    In the right conditions
    Could flame like a live wire
    If he would only listen
    Burn though the derision
    Cauterize the incisions

    But you
    In your powder blue dress
    Your hair all a mess
    Your eyes the dark side
    Of the moon
    Your future ablaze
    Your past all a maze
    That you finally found your way through
    Do we ever really find our way through?

    “Over my dead body,” ma said
    The clap of a slap and dad bled
    You stood frozen in place,
    Your face pressed against the door slit

    Breathless, you ran to the shed
    Your pretty world tearing to shreds
    Heard something shatter
    A vase or a platter, something delicate

    The sun sat still over the plains
    Fields of cotton and sugarcane
    All flat and unfeeling,
    Your mind was still reeling
    For hours

    Now you think of that kid you once were
    How it all passes by in a blur
    How things don’t get better
    They simmer and fester
    And sour

    And rage like a wildfire
    In red flag conditions
    Flame like a live wire
    Key in the ignition
    Another bad decision
    Those angry ghosts have risen

    But you
    With your razor sharp wit
    Your comebacks and quips
    Your lies like the cries of the loon
    Always blowing off steam
    Your past a bad dream
    That you finally put behind you
    But do we ever really make our way through?
    Do our dreams ever really come true?

    Dad warned you after the wreck
    “Don’t look back, you’ll get a sore neck”
    Sooner or later
    They’re all caught in that crater
    You left

  • Shibboleth

    Every evening—same thing
    Tire swing, earphones in
    Halfhearted scrolling
    Thinking bout something..

    Something like a getaway
    Magic trick, great escape
    Open sunroof, freeway
    Hollywood escapade

    Or maybe the opposite
    Blending in, perfect fit
    Cozy clique, tight-nit
    Sleepover gossip

    Never say the right thing
    On the outside looking in
    Wrong wavelength, bad wiring
    Too quiet, desperate, too everything

    Yesterday you overheard
    Girls studying a vocab word
    Some sort of Bible myth

    A secret code, custom, belief
    The lilt of your voice, the way you speak
    Shibboleth

    Who to spend lunch break with
    Casual, not too stiff
    Effortless

    How to study for this test?
    What to say (10 points),
    How to dress (5 points),
    Shibboleth

    Sinking sun, squeaky seesaw
    Kids go home, final crows caw
    A voice rehearses your every flaw
    Your heart heavy, your eyes raw

    Leaning on the sliding pole
    Spiral down the rabbit hole
    Vacant frown, free-fall
    Hate yourself, hate it all

    Ran away only once
    Dad said: ‘cute little stunt’
    Mom said: ‘the hell do you want?’
    No one else noticed you were gone

    Turn the music up some more
    Trudge back home, past the corner store
    Slip quietly through the front door
    Earphones in, unhinged, unmoored

    But you’ll get past this high school hell
    New college clothes, new stories to tell
    First real kiss

    No secret codes, custom, beliefs
    No eye rolls every time you speak
    No shibboleths

    Lunch break with best friends
    Sarcasm and split-ends
    Almost effortless

    Study circles, nail-biting tests
    Films to discuss (5 stars),
    Loves to confess (broken hearts),
    Your own shibboleths

    How do you tell her
    That it will get better?
    The emptiness

    How do you tell her
    They don’t last forever?
    Those shibboleths

  • Waiting to Win the Lottery

    She wakes up early 
    Takes her jog
    Her breath trails out in smoke
    Keeps her brain from overload 

    Gets to work 
    Presses on her mask
    She speaks the language well
    Eats lunch by the liberty bell

    Her train is late
    She’s home by 8
    Scrolls through her endless feed
    Netflix, then an early sleep 

    She knows 
    Someday she’s gonna wake up
    Not worry bout the break up
    The lonely sea

    She knows 
    Someday she will be laughing 
    With her kids and multitasking  
    Like the mothers she’s seen 

    She can’t stand the wait
    She goes on dates 
    But they never seem to click
    Her childhood friends are married with kids

    Every now and then
    She goes out with friends 
    They drink and dance, feel free
    Then back to monotony 

    She knows 
    One more swipe then jackpot 
    No more cooks and crackpots 
    No more anxiety

    Those hopes
    They keep her up past midnight 
    Just one more app, one more swipe
    Until finally..

    She goes to sleep 

    Another friend engaged 
    She feels envy and rage 
    At best musters apathy 
    She hates her jealousy 

    She cries 
    Convinced she’s reached her twilight 
    No curtain call, no spotlight 
    No Hollywood dreams 

    She sighs
    Assures herself it’s alright
    Idyllic days are in sight 
    She’s just got to..

    Believe

  • Gunpowder Falls

    Last night I dreamed that it was snowing 
    The world was crisp and white and glowing 
    But I when I woke up, my eyes raw,
    When my dream began to thaw,
    When my heartbeat started slowing 

    It was your face that came flooding 
    Memories warm and soft and sudden 
    Like when you reach into your pocket 
    No phone, no keys, no cash, no wallet 
    The punch to the gut when you’ve got nothing 

    That’s when I noticed my face was wet 
    And my shirt was soaked in sweat 
    Flashes from the dream arose
    As I peeled off my damp clothes 
    We forget our dreams but our dream don’t forget

    Searing shower in the dark 
    Shrieking crickets and hollow barks 
    It’s the stillness of 3am 
    That welcomes you into my life again 
    That assassin always hits its mark 

    And I can’t tell whether I cherish those dreams 
    Or despise them 
    When the morning mist meets the shower steam 
    Am I wise then?
    ‘Cause then I know 
    I should never have let you go 

    Last week I dreamed my teeth were falling out 
    Like your faith in God once you began to doubt 
    First one wobbled, then broke loose
    And all the rest just followed suit 
    Woke with a start, then forgot what the dream was about 

    Only came back the other day 
    Heading home on the subway 
    Across from a lady with no teeth 
    Her clothes were torn, her eyes were grief 
    Changed cars next stop, stench was too great

    It strikes in a flash 
    Kingfisher’s call
    That time you pretended to push me 
    Down gunpowder falls
    ‘Cause it was then I knew 
    That I wanted to spend my life with you 
    In your arms I knew
    It was either the falls or you 

    Giggling as we kissed, I knew
    Shivering in the mist, I knew 

  • Pacifiers and Parking Lots

    Pacifiers and parking lots
    Still don’t know who you are 
    But you know who you’re not 
    And that’s a start 

    Dirty diapers, dead-end dates
    Rundown roads, working late
    Down at the Mini-Mart

    Freezing rain, slick black ice 
    Split-second turn
    Didn’t look twice 
    And you spun out 

    Totaled car, barely a scratch
    Doctor said, “someone up there’s got your back”
    But luck runs out 

    Made you think of the time  
    When you were kid 
    Raffle at school
    You bought a ticket 
    With your pocket change 
    To relieve the boredom

    Won a brand new bike 
    And you tore through town  
    Hands in the air 
    Wind whistling all around 
    Was the sound of change 
    Was the sound of freedom 

    Scorching summer, steaming tar 
    Played you songs on his guitar  
    New boy in town

    Car seat kisses, first cigarette 
    Moonlit movies, worn cassette
    Playing homeward bound 

    Daring dreams, pithy plans 
    World unfurled inside his hands
    You were moving fast 

    Cold coffee, cheap cafe 
    “I think I’m pregnant”
    “It’ll be okay”
    But his tone was flat 

    Made you think of the time  
    When you were kid 
    Raffle at school
    You bought a ticket 
    With your pocket change 
    To believe in something 

    Raced straight home 
    On your brand new bike
    Caught mom with a man 
    You didn’t know or like
    She said: “honey, people change”
    And you started running 
    And you never stopped
    Pacifiers and parking lots

    Last night you dreamt 
    You were speeding down the street
    Whipping round the bend
    Cutting through the sleet
    Arms weightless in the air 
    Handlebars under your feet 
    Wind frozen in your hair 
    Racing heartbeat 
    Just kept going, didn’t stop
    No pacifiers, no parking lots 

  • Drones and Dishes

    Days of drones and dishes looming 
    Sirens screaming, rockets booming 
    I’ll turn on something soft and soothing 
    Sweep the floor and sing 

    Stock the shelter, keep my cool
    Pick the grandkids up from school
    Dig out my set of power tools
    Fix what needs fixing 

    ‘Cause I’m not moving to no hotel
    My home is here, my kids as well
    The neighbors split, but what the hell
    They were all bark and no bite 

    My grandson Gal is in the reserves
    Got a lot of lip and too much nerve 
    Got a pregnant wife who he left to serve 
    Said: ‘Grandpa, I’ll be alright’

    The TV shouts the news reports 
    Night grow long, days get short 
    Thoughts and memories to sort
    Worries and fears to stoke

    In the distance, plumes of smoke 

    Late at night I still hear the roar
    Scenes from the Yom Kippur War
    Tanks advancing, gunshots, and gore 
    ‘Till the jackals drag me from the dead 

    Never spoke a word about it 
    Changed the topic or talked around it
    Hid my helmet but the boys found it
    Tucked away in the shed 

    It’s been two years since Tali passed
    Tumor tore through her lungs and back
    Doc dealt percentages, we did the math 
    She said: ‘I’m dying, that’s a fact’

    Gal’s baby girl will be named Tali too
    The name means something like: ‘my dew’
    I’d say it helps but it wouldn’t be true 
    Just want my Tali back 

    She’d get me through the drones and dishes, 
    Birthday cards and get-well wishes
    Clean me up and sew the stitches 
    When my balance goes

    When the sirens sound, I stay in place
    Sit back on the sofa and stare into space 
    It’s me against time, no one wins that race 
    Whatever happens happens, I suppose

    TV says we must stay strong  
    Nights get short, days grow long 
    Grandkids visit, then they’re gone 
    Dishes in the sink to soak

    Been a while since I last spoke 
    But in my head conversations flow
    Sometimes Tali even tells me jokes 
    I laugh real hard until I choke

    In the distance, rising smoke 

  • The Things We Left Behind

    Momma wept
    It’s all too much to accept
    The memories she kept
    Swore to preserve and protect
    Chipped floors she patiently swept
    Stacks of of junk-mail and debts
    The kitchen of crepes and cartoons
    All consumed

    Momma, I said
    It’s all still there in our heads
    Your laugh as you fed us
    The tales that you read us
    Hands held tight as you led us
    Through Narnia and Atlantis
    To the wall by the cactus
    Where dad marked our height and age
    ‘Momma, just one more page!’

    Knock on the door
    15 minutes, no more
    Take only what you need

    Hurry, grab a few things
    Gusty, easterly winds
    Finding it hard to breathe

    Is it the smoke
    Or the scope
    Of the crime?
    Of all the things we left behind

    I hung up and I cried
    Each word was true, but I lied
    Breathed in deep and I sighed
    Called up Jen and we tried
    To recall the times we’d hide
    Coat closet, side-by-side
    Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five
    Four, three, two, one
    Ready or not, here I come

    She said: What funny places we hid
    And silly things that we did
    I’ve been busy with the kids
    Worried sick about SIDS
    Hunting for Tupperware with matching lids
    Scrubbing bib after bib
    I promise I’ll give
    You more time
    How’s momma?
    She’s fine

    Knock on the door
    15 minutes, no more
    Take only what you need

    Frantic, grab a few things
    Past the wooden porch swing
    Finding it hard to believe

    But in the seams
    Of our dreams
    We will find
    All the things we left behind

    The photo of grandpa, handsome in his army uniform
    Me tiny, raw, and red-faced, reeling from being born
    Us splashing in puddles, kids savoring the storm
    Me moving into my cramped college dorm

    The one with dad and momma, young and sipping wine
    With a message on the back that dad scrawled and then signed
    Fine ballpoint pen, cursive, and double underlined
    “Honey, I love you, I am yours and you are mine”

    Some of the things we left behind

    The inferno spread and we finally fled
    As the flames fed on our home

    Momma wept: What did we expect?
    Living like that
    In that tinderbox trap
    A chill crept into my bones

    Put my hand on her shoulder and kept quiet
    There was plenty more to say
    But I knew she wouldn’t buy it

    Like: Momma, we’ll be fine
    We got each other, love, and the rest of our time
    The things we’ll never leave behind

    The history in our hearts
    And the mountains in our minds
    The things we’ll never leave behind

  • Autumn Arrives

    Honeyed scent of jasmine nights
    Full moon at our fingertips
    November spring in fairy lights
    Tea and kisses warm our lips

    Fresh-baked bread, fresh-picked plants
    Toddler soccer all day long
    Sunlight sifts in softened slants
    Beeps compete with sparrow song

    It’s the burst of life before winter hits
    Frantic bees fill up their hives
    There’s no one else I’d rather be with
    When autumn arrives

    Golden rain blankets the ground
    Cotton clouds brush the sky
    My best impression of a clown
    Distracts Tamarie when she cries

    Sneezes, coughs, and runny nose
    Engagement anniversary
    Tamar is cawing, chasing crows
    I feel love and loved and so lucky

    Measuring height, length, and width
    Cozying up our modest den
    There’s no one else I’d rather be with
    While winter descends

    The rain is holding off so far
    Sprinklers working overtime
    The day is losing ground to night
    Fat mosquitoes whine and dine

    Barking back at bounding dogs
    Meowing to the frazzled cats
    Lifting moods with smiling eyes
    Wading through the twilight gnats

    At Lavender Lane we stop and kiss
    Tamar walks on in tiny strides
    There’s no one else I’d rather be with
    When autumn arrives

  • What I Want You to Know

    I want you to know what you do to me
    But I don’t know how to say it
    Some otherworldly alchemy
    Can’t measure, map, or weigh it
    I want you to know my valleys
    The jagged stones and streams within
    Where do I begin?

    I want you to know how I think of you
    But I don’t want to overdo it
    How every day my heart is born anew
    To heaven’s gate and I step through it
    If I seem a little lost to you
    It’s just a passing distraction
    I am swept in the allure of your attraction

    Contentedness is courting bliss
    Every time we touch
    Clouds are parting, birds are darting
    In a breathless rush
    It may sound shamelessly idealistic
    Or hopelessly naive
    But your love is the oxygen I breathe

    I want you to know how you make me feel
    Without clutching for cliches
    There’s no key, canvas, or color wheel
    No perfect rhyme or phrase
    If my silence becomes deafening,
    That muse I’m forever stalking
    My kisses and caresses can do the talking

    I want you to know how you’ve changed me
    Without sounding patronizing
    You move me to metaphor and simile
    You’re my sun that’s always rising
    Your melody is woven in me
    Stitched in my genetic code
    My passion never softens, never slows

    Tranquility meets ecstasy
    Every time we touch
    Bluebells bloom, songbirds croon
    In a forest, free and lush
    It may sound wildly exaggerated
    And somewhat misconceived
    But your love is the oxygen I breathe

    And if you ever feel unsafe
    Then I have failed
    Then it’s a lousy, leaky ship
    That I have sailed
    But if you feel secure
    Then I’m on the right track
    Let’s roll our sleeves up darling,
    Patch up any cracks
    Make the most of the time we’ve got
    We won’t get it back

    I want to know you inside and out
    To delve into your deepest dreams
    To embrace whatever you’re musing about
    To try and pinpoint what you mean
    To take each day one-by-one
    With gratitude and grace
    With kisses on your forehead and arms around your waist

    And it may sound sappy and overdramatic
    But when the air begins to thin
    You, my love, are my oxygen
    You, my love, are my everything

  • Linger

    I’m wading in the memory of the magic of last night
    When our bodies, slow and tender, came together and took flight
    It’s not a flashback, it’s time becoming space
    The path along your back that my fingers softly trace

    You say you hear the ocean when you rest against my chest
    You’re the moon lighting my skies, pulling my tides when we undress
    I whisper in your ear words of joy and love and peace
    We shed our mortal skins, begin to revel in the release

    I’d like last night to linger
    Like your ring around my finger
    Not the bee and the stinger

    I’d like last night to linger
    Like the song, not the singer
    Not the bee and the stinger

    That energy between our bodies never seems to sleep
    It’s sacred and it’s separate, a smoldering secret that we keep
    It pulses in my gut and chest and dances on my tongue
    Slips between our mouths with the breaths rising from our lungs

    It was restless and impatient in the first decades of my life
    It was jubilant, knife and flint, when you became my wife
    And even now when we must pull out before we are immersed
    It voices its desire in a deep unyielding thirst

    I hope last night will linger
    I won’t meddle, I won’t tinker
    Not the bee and the stinger

    I know last night will linger
    With the contours of your figure
    Not the bee and the stinger

    What will I do with you?
    What will you do with me?
    We’re deep in dangerous terrain of impossibility
    You stand upon the shores of my calm and raging sea
    We reach out for the stars and pick out shards of eternity
    Bind ourselves in fraying rope and yearn just to be free

    What will you do with me?
    What will I do with you?
    We made it up the mountain but there was no time for the view
    The murky waters cleared into an eerie shade of blue
    The kisses multiplied and went from many to too few
    I’m crafting poems every day but language just won’t do

  • Here Comes the Sun

    An overflowing cup
    An ever-blooming rose
    A love that never wilts
    That only grows and grows and grows

    A gravity that lifts
    Time that blinks and yawns
    No end, no beginning
    Simply spinning dawn to dawn

    A beauty that doesn’t boast
    But knocks you off your feet
    Can’t stem the flow, in it’s glow
    Hypnotized in its heat

    A pretty paradox
    A question calm at rest
    A form just like a storm
    Inside a floral summer dress

    I’m magnetized
    To your searching eyes
    To the cadence of your tongue
    Can’t come to grips
    With your supple hips
    How we come together as one

    How you came to me
    Under the canopy
    Parakeets and family
    Ancient texts and stones and history
    A unity hard-won
    Oh darling, here comes the sun

    A depth than can’t be probed
    Can only be admired
    Experienced through cryptic hints
    That pour kerosine on your fire

    A faith that can’t be dimmed
    A mind of mist and stars
    A future looms, a rising moon
    In our freshly minted hearts

    There’s a masterplan
    When I hold your hand
    When your head rests on my chest
    Can’t come to grips
    With your loving lips
    How they purge me of bitterness

    How you came to me
    Under the canopy
    Reversed rings and cooling breeze
    Swaying strings and olive trees
    Two turned into one
    Oh darling, here comes the sun

    You rise above me like the morning sun
    And set slowly when the day is done
    You mirror the phases of the cycling moon
    There’s magic and mystery in every room
    You’re in
    It’s a sin
    For us to ever be apart
    We’ve been circling in the same orbit
    From the very start

  • A Painting on our Wall

    You say I’m biased
    But that’s not true
    I’m just blessed with
    The very best view
    Yes I can see you as you truly are
    When you’re in my arms
    When I’m in your arms

    When I tell you
    What it is I see
    You sometimes tell me
    That you disagree
    Well you really should believe me
    Cause I’m in communion with infinity
    With forces realer than reality
    When you’re in my arms
    When I’m in your arms

    And when I watch you go about your day
    The way you move, the things you say
    Those lovely details I can’t quite recall
    I could go on forever and never list them all
    When you’ve got me on the brink
    I can’t help but think:
    ‘You should be a painting’
    ‘You should be a painting on our wall’

    You may think I’m gentle
    But that’s not true
    I would maim and kill
    To protect Tamar and you
    No, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do
    When you’re in my arms
    When I’m in your arms

    And when I tell you
    What you mean to me
    How I’m drawn to you
    Magnetically
    I hope you soak in every word I say
    How the outside world just melts away
    How a melody begins to play
    When you’re in my arms
    When I’m in your arms

    And when I watch you nurse Tamar to sleep
    The way you hum to her, her foot by your cheek
    The way you comfort her when she falls
    That sacred tie between your tethered souls
    That eternal link
    I can’t help but think:
    ‘You should be a painting’
    ‘You both should be a painting on our wall’

    My breath goes quick, my head gets faint
    God I wish that I could paint
    But all I’ve got are words and notes
    And chords to carry them like boats
    And a voice that’s a window to my mind
    And a soul that’ll always love yours
    With rhythm and rhyme

  • You’re a Momma Now

    You were everything before
    Now somehow you’re even more
    You’re a momma now

    Cause we spoke those sacred lines
    The moon and stars aligned
    And Tamar came down

    Cub and momma bear
    It’s a primal bond you share
    It’s my job job to make sure nothing interferes
    As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears

    You protect her like a lioness
    Fierce and uncompromising
    It’s beautiful and proud

    And your patience is a miracle
    When she rests on you my heart is full
    You’re a momma now

    Things aren’t getting any easier
    And you keep on getting prettier
    What’s that about?

    Yes you always were a sorceress
    What you did to me every time me kissed
    And you’re a momma now

    Cub and momma bear
    It’s a physical bond you share
    I’ll bring you tea and toast and fend off all your fears
    As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears

    And when exhaustion strikes
    And we hit new lows
    I want you to always know
    That I’ll be around

    To fight with you through any storm
    To take your side and keep you warm
    You’re a momma now
    We’re a family now

    And you will always be the answer
    To my doubts
    When I hold you, my soul’s no longer
    Crying out
    No there’s no solace like
    The meeting of our mouths
    You’re my one true love
    And you’re a momma now

  • Perfectly Shlomit

    You told me horror films help you relax
    Set off a flood of questions
    I was too afraid to ask
    So I held my tongue, you tiptoed then plunged
    Through childhood memories
    Moved from Jung to love to art
    A miracle, a mystery

    And when you speak of mysticism
    Those slippery words ring true
    It’s the only language in my grasp
    For how I feel for you
    I mourn every day that passed
    Before I came your way
    Thank whoever’s pulling the strings
    I treasure every day

    And when I hold you close
    I whisper “You are perfect”
    And you quietly disagree

    Well you’re not perfect
    But you’re the one for me
    Nobody’s perfect
    But you’re perfectly Shlomit

    You point out lonely wisps of clouds that pass by overhead
    Clear blue skies just don’t provide those subtle shades of red
    That leak into the skyline after sunset or at dawn
    It’s clear that you are perfect holding hands atop Mont Boron

    You see beauty in the ugly
    You see symbols, signs, and stars
    I see magic, I see treasure
    As I piece together who you are

    Remember when we spoke about
    September by The Shins?
    Now your it’s your soul that sings to me
    You’re my melody
    I’m forever listening

    And when I hold you close
    I whisper “You are perfect”
    And you silently disagree

    Well you’re not perfect
    But you’re the one for me
    Nobody’s perfect
    But you’re perfectly Shlomit

    I’m running out of goodbyes
    That tear-stained rupture
    I’m running out of goodbyes
    Another one will bury me

    I’m running out of goodbyes
    God I love her
    I’m running out of goodbyes
    Torn apart by labyrinthine seas

    I’m running out of goodbyes
    They sting my throat, they burn my chest
    I’m running out of goodbyes
    The slow march to a last embrace

    I’m running out of goodbyes
    The sweet notes then the bitterness
    I’m running out of goodbyes
    Desperate attempts to memorize your face


  • The Same Thing

    The rise and fall of your chest
    The wax and wane of the moon
    The ebb and flow of the tide
    January melting into June
    The swell of the strings
    It’s all the same thing

    The glint in your eyes
    The glimmer of the lake
    The winking of the stars
    The memories that we make
    The shine of my wedding ring
    It’s all the same thing

    I miss you
    Even when I’m with you
    Like the poet yearns to sing
    It’s a strange thing
    It’s all the same thing

    The splash of your laughter
    The tinkling of a glass
    Wind through a chime
    Dewdrops on the grass
    A hummingbird’s wings
    It’s all the same thing

    The dimple in your cheek
    Raindrops carving the snow
    Green valley in the mountains
    Your hair pressed in a bow
    Cracked pavement flowering
    It’s all the same thing

    I want you
    Even when I’ve got you
    Like the mistress craves a fling
    It’s a strange thing
    It’s all the same thing

    The nape of your neck
    The small of your back
    Swaying butterfly perch
    Sloping wooded path
    Cool creek’s gentle sting
    It’s all the same thing

    Soft tangle of you hair
    Branches billowing free
    Twigs twined in a nest
    Stone walls draped in ivy
    Woolen throw when you’re shivering
    It’s all the same thing

    To live with someone you love this much
    Is a frozen reservoir shattering
    Thoughts that gnawed at you late at night
    Suddenly stop mattering
    Take the plunge
    Fill your lungs
    Let the change within begin
    It’s a strange thing
    It’s all the same thing

  • Tamar

    You sparked a heat wave
    That snapped when you came home
    Every time I held you
    I was petrified I’d break your bones

    Your momma moved the earth and seas
    To bring you here
    And with the greatest love
    Come the deepest shades of fear

    The labor lasted
    An eternity, maybe more
    But ‘eternity’, ‘infinity’
    Those words just don’t mean what they did before

    You took our breaths away
    Also our sleep
    My heart would halt, then somersault
    Every time you made a peep

    You are sweeter than the dates upon the palm
    Whether you’re a frothing sea or a forest, cool and calm
    Thrown into a world at war but safe in mama’s arms
    Swaddled in mama’s charms

    I’d prop you up on the pillow of my lap
    Place you over my shoulder, pace around the room to help you nap

    You’d only agree to sleep in our arms, tummy full
    When instead we put you to bed, you’d wake in a state of betrayal

    You weren’t crawling yet, not even teething
    Every second or so,
    I’d check your neck to make sure you were breathing

    When that smile first spread along your face
    And lit your eyes
    Seedlings sprang and bloomed in a heartbeat
    Seasons came and rolled right by

    I can fit your fragile head into the pocket of my palm
    You can have whatever words I’ve said and keep them as a balm
    If there’s something shepherding the prayers and the psalms
    Please, help us raise her like the dawn

    You’re raw emotion radiating
    Inconsolable then intoxicating
    Curiously contemplating
    Our garbled gobbledygook

    Your will is iron, your mind is pure
    You’re no blank slate, you’re so much more
    You’re Tamar Eliana to the very core
    Love lingers in your look

    You’re fresher than a handpicked fig
    Yet older than a fading star
    You’ll grow and grow until you’re big
    But you’ll always be perfectly Tamar

  • Little One

    Little one, the morning sun
    Is breaking through those heavy clouds
    Little one, is that where you’re from?
    Why did you choose us, why did you choose now?

    Little one, there’s no practice run
    For showing you the ropes
    Little one, you’ll crawl, walk, then run
    Tripping on those ticking tropes

    Together
    We will measure
    Wistful whims and weather
    Stash stones, sticks and feathers
    And treasure
    Our time
    Together

    Little one, wait till you see the sun
    There’s a whole wide world with bated breath
    Waits for you, those songbirds flew
    And landed in your tiny nest

    Little one, oh you’ll be stunned
    By the color and the throbbing life
    Little one, our hearts are parts of the same one
    Even after we turn out the lights

    Together
    We’ll grow stronger
    Our shifting shadows longer
    The world will whet your hunger
    You’ll wonder
    Whether
    The pieces fit
    Together

    You’re a rainbow in the nighttime
    You’re the sight restored to the blind
    I’m the canary in the coal mine
    Screaming out the warning signs
    To keep you safe
    I just can’t wait to glimpse your little face

    I’ll hold you close and tender
    Hum you tunes and help you render
    That topsy-turvy fender-bender
    Of molecules and misremembered
    Days and dreams
    And I know we’re more than huffs and puffs of steam
    You’ll see this world is much more than it seems

    I promise you will fall in love
    With the worms below and the stars above
    With the grass and the hills and the trees
    With the simple hope in all the complexity

  • Little Explorer

    Crawling and grabbing
    Bawling and babbling
    Toppling and having
    Her toys and eating them too

    Hiccuping and laughing
    Clambering and clapping
    Mirroring and mapping
    The room with her stuffed animal crew

    Balled fists
    Feet in her mouth
    Elastic wrists
    Under the couch

    Mouth of marbles
    Chameleon eyes
    Face of marvels
    Sunny and sly

    The whole world’s there for her
    My little explorer
    Discovery, dawning delight

    How do I warn her?
    My little explorer
    The dangers that dance in her sights

    Pinching and scratching
    Lunging and latching
    Biting and basking
    In our attention

    Squealing and tearing
    Fearing and daring
    Smiling and staring
    At her reflection

    Self-sufficient
    Deeply dependent
    Unconditioned
    Perfectly present

    Curious mind
    Spiraling hair
    Expanding time
    Wonders everywhere

    Oh how I bore her
    My little explorer
    Her energy never runs dry

    How do I warn her
    My little explorer
    Lock drawers and move things real high

    How I adore her
    My little explorer
    Growing too slow and too fast

    How do I warn her
    My little explorer
    That this delicate phase will not last

    Oh how I want it to pass
    But God how I hope it’ll last

  • Hell and Me

    There is a Hell on this earth
    That stalked me since my hour of birth
    Snaps at my heels and bares its teeth
    A parasite on my belief
    Has me begging for the black abyss
    The cool caress of nothingness

    I’ve met with Hell from time to time
    To adjudicate my countless crimes
    Danced with Hell, strained to understand
    Why it must take my haggard hand

    I’m older now, old enough to know
    That Hell will never truly go
    But we’ve cut a deal, Hell and me
    Come to terms with how it has to be
    It can do its worst, can haunt my dreams
    But I’ll paint the pain and sing the screams

    …

    Woke up head on fire this morning
    Advil, imitrex, excedrin
    Can’t take anymore
    Can’t take anymore

    3 AM, hunched over toilet
    Nothing left to retch, still nauseous
    I know what’s in store
    Can’t take anymore

    Pain, I know you well
    I don’t care about heaven
    Just don’t give me Hell

    Canceled plans again this evening
    Hell is back again and seething
    Just like before
    Can’t take anymore

    Plane to catch tomorrow morning
    The storm inside my head is forming
    I know what’s in store
    Can’t take any more

    Pain, I know you well
    I don’t care about heaven
    Just don’t give me Hell

  • The Music is Always There

    When you wake up and feel deflated
    Anxieties, insecurities exaggerated
    When all is backwards and wrong
    I hope you will listen to this song

    When the emptiness expands
    And the colors collapse
    When the days bleed together
    Into one formless mass
    When the tunnel is showing no light
    I hope this song can make it alright

    I’d like to remind you
    Of the wonders around
    The kaleidoscope of color,
    Blues, reds, greens, and browns
    The wind in your hair
    The soft background sounds

    I’d like to remind you
    Of childlike delight
    How in the deepest of lows
    The most dizzying of heights
    There’s something we can’t fully describe
    Bees build their labyrinthine hives
    Dolphins do their delicate dives
    Flowers lend their scents to the air
    Chicks fly their nests in a dare
    The music is always right there

    When you feel like a failure, way past your prime
    Waiting and waiting for your chance to shine
    It hits you, your dreams won’t come true
    This song will be waiting for you

    When your memories torment you
    And that voice in your head
    Haunts you and taunts you,
    And you can no longer tread
    The waters in relentless high tide
    This song can help you get by

    I’d like to remind you
    How magic abounds
    Epic or microscopic
    Simple or profound
    The thrill of a kiss
    Of worries unwound

    I’d like to remind you
    Of times that were bright
    How in the darkest of blacks
    The most blinding of whites
    There’s something we can’t fully grasp
    A mystery we can never unmask
    Questions there are no words to ask
    We can glimpse it when we lay ourselves bare
    In the air that we breathe, in the love that we share
    In the music that is always right there


  • A Tour of the Garden

    Welcome, please take off your shoes
    Be careful where you step
    Our residents walk aimlessly, no path here is direct

    There is no good or evil here
    There is no wrong or right
    Our home here is a garden of desire and delight

    Of course outside these sturdy walls
    Evil does exist
    But we call it out, sneer and shout, and raise our angry fists

    There are no voices here
    We speak through little screens
    That pull our pretty puppet strings as we rage against the machine

    I’m sorry, what is that you said?
    I really beg your pardon
    Let us now continue on our tour of the garden

    There are no parents here
    No husbands, wives, daughters, sons
    No one here belongs to me or you or anyone

    There are no vows here
    There are no ropes and chains
    People go by numbers here, not arbitrary names

    Love is a vice here
    Our doors are always open
    We speak in neurochemicals: dopamine, oxytocin

    Divergence is an asset here
    Everyone stakes their claim
    It frees of us from the burden of our guilt and blame and shame

    And if this feels too soft for you
    Well it’s a shame that you’ve been hardened
    Let us now continue on our tour of the garden

    Religion is a joke here
    We pray to holy evolution
    ‘Do not harm’ are the only words in our consecrated constitution

    We have our own apocalypse
    Our very own righteous saints
    With screeds and slogans sanctified in dripping, bloody paints

    Please follow me to the sanctuary
    Yes that’s Darwin on the wall
    Sorry, it’s a bit dark but there is Marx by the choir stalls

    And the large room here is the dining hall
    You won’t find wheat or meat
    Our residents can’t feel disgust, so everything tastes sweet

    And if we all seem lost to you,
    Faces on the milk carton
    Please let us continue on our tour of the garden

    We craft our own definitions here
    Our own labels too
    We write our own reality—what is fiction, what is true
    Of course, you’re free to disagree
    But please keep it to yourself
    Or it’s excommunication to preserve our mental health

    I hope you like what you have seen
    If not, it’s really okay
    Just don’t come back again, my friend
    And have a lovely day

  • Look (A Plea)

    Look over there
    There’s a little girl lost in the trees
    She’s splashing in puddles
    And diving into the fall leaves

    Look over there
    There’s a woman all wrinkled and gray
    Her eyes are clear and wise
    Her life, a cherished prize
    She’s the beauty that lies in decay

    Look over here
    On the floorboards, you’re splayed like a sheet
    Face a cruel blue, drool spilling through
    A bottle of pills at your feet

    Please look, can’t you see
    The girl and the woman are you
    The future’s not past
    And though this life will not last
    It’s here and it’s waiting for you

    Life’s not a game
    The object is neither happiness nor love
    No hedons or points,
    Likes, comments, or coins
    Tallied on some scoreboard above

    Life isn’t work
    And it surely isn’t just play
    Not to gratify the self
    Or to serve someone else
    Yet it’s all of these things in some way

    I guess what it is that I’m saying
    Is we just do not know
    But we can take a stand
    Make the best of our hand
    Why fold when there’s still room to grow?
    Why choose darkness when there’s still time to glow?

  • The Art of Walking Backwards

    It seems that I have mastered
    The art of walking backwards
    I crane my neck with great precision
    Sidestep every near collision

    It’s not as hard as it may seem
    Like fingertips on a fading dream
    A misty memory from when you were young
    A word whispering at the tip of your tongue

    You learn to trust the periphery
    The faith in what you cannot see
    To appreciate the unveiled view
    The silent stories surrounding you

    I promise you it’s worth a shot
    As you stumble along this spinning dot
    Reverse your way through space and time
    And tell me what it is you find

  • Somewhere

    Somewhere
    The swing set creeks
    A ghost or a breeze?
    Blind bats whisper up above 

    And the woods
    Breathe with life
    Watch passersby
    Surrender their worries to its love

    Hurricane 
    Floods the streets
    The world bleeds
    Life seeps into the gutters

    Where children swim
    Catch butterflies
    Chase fireflies
    ‘Till morning cracks the shutters

    To a world 
    Where bandaids fail
    Where pain prevails 
    We search and we search for that place 

    We used to know
    Of snow days
    Of paper planes
    When life was not a race

    But a hot bath
    Where bubbles licked
    Our fingertips 
    And vanished without a trace 

    Somewhere 
    It all must lie
    When neurons die
    When our last breath escapes

  • Imposter

    I’m not the best person I can be
    That much I can pretty much guarantee
    I spend too much time trapped in my own head
    Where my selfish hopes and daunting dreams are fed

    I’m not good at keeping in touch with friends
    And even worse at budgeting the money I spend
    Parrot all the talking points I hear
    Pretend that I’m not limping through life in fear

    That I’ll be found out
    Finally seen
    As the imposter
    That I’ve always been

    Found out
    Exposed
    As the imposter
    That I’ve always known

    I’m not good at parking in tight spots
    Don’t mention public speaking, I’d rather be shot
    My clever retorts are always minutes late
    Sometimes I confuse cities with states

    Waste half my time aimless on my phone
    Instead of on those skills I’d love to hone
    Happiness, I’ll find it in a year
    Meditate, sedate, silence the fear

    That I’ll be found out
    Finally seen
    As the imposter that I’ve always been

    Found out
    Exposed
    As the imposter that I’ve always known

    They say fake it till you make it
    If it ain’t broke then break it
    If you want something, take it
    I’d like to take my time

    Don’t miss the forest for the trees
    Dot your I’s and cross your T’s
    Seize all your opportunities
    Don’t matter if they’re right
    Don’t let yourself fall behind

    But I’d like to take my time
    To fall softly behind
    Seek life of every kind
    Taste the sweet sunshine
    Resist the call to climb
    Every ladder I can find

    It’s the blind leading the blind
    Leading the blind
    Leading the blind
    Leading the blind

  • To Be Young/To Be Skilled

    My spark is dying
    I can feel the passion drying
    I’ve grown weary of the prying
    Into matters that make no difference to my life

    What happened to the yearning?
    When my soul was always burning
    My mind constatly churning out
    Ideas that I fashioned into gold

    All the stories left untold
    All the songs left unsung
    What is was to be young

    My thoughts are ossifying
    Barely breathing, only sighing
    What was once electrifying
    Is a language I’ve forgotten how to read

    Magic used to rule my lands
    Now I settle for sleight of hand
    I used to feel, now I understand
    Logic locked the door and hid the key

    All those trails left untread
    All the waters left unstilled
    All the fantasies unfulfilled
    What it is to be skilled

    I want to turn up the music
    ‘Till it bursts right out my pores
    Be driven like an infant
    Chasing adventure on all fours
    Hush the nonstop noise
    Escape through secret, golden doors
    Enough daydreaming, back to your chores!

    I’ve tried to numb the aching
    Seeking anything heartbreaking
    Intentionally mistaking
    Entertainment and engagement for the truth

    Drank from the wells of knowledge
    Came out craving only solids
    Now I’m dependable and stolid
    Parched for parchment, handrawn maps, riddles, and clues

    So many ideas, so little time
    Stumbling towards the finish line
    Mumbling my unfinished lin—

All Lyrics

Catastrophic Calm

Last night I dreamt that burning planes were falling from the sky
Twisters were tearing through the fields
You just stood and stared in a pair of heels
Something was awry
There was a glint in your eye
You were biting into an apple with a thick red peel

When I snapped awake, you were fast asleep by my side
Your face all angelic, your hair a mess
Honey, you were looking your best
I wish I could’ve seen
Whatever visions lit your dreams
I touched your hair and pulled the blanket over your breast

This morning I’ll get out of bed long before the sun
It’s a habit that I just can seem to break
Put my headphones on, get the gloves and rake
The world serene and still
In the early morning chill
It’s a sweet and it’s a silent sort of ache

Honey, you mean more to me
Than you will ever know, you see
I’m not real good at saying what I’m thinking
It’s been thirty years, give or take
Summer weekends by the lake
Odd jobs here and there when we started sinking

Sometimes I imagine where my life would be
If I did things differently
But I don’t let that train take me very far
I’m happy where I am—where we are

When I was a kid, sometimes I couldn’t fall asleep
Afraid a man would climb in through the window
Cut my throat and take my stuffed dog Bingo
Pictured all the things I’d do
When that thief came climbing through
Tucked that dog real safe under my pillow

The other week a silver car came careening from behind
And picked up speed ‘till it smashed into a pole
Burst into flames—smoke and all
Didn’t know what the hell to do
Had a strange sense of déjà vu
Dialed 911, but never placed the call

The kids are all grown up now, living their own lives
Nothing I said ever seemed to make a dent
I check in sometimes, make sure they can cover rent
When they were small, I was working late
But I did my best to raise them straight
Still working out where all those memories went

Honey, you mean more to me
Than you will ever know, you see
I’m not real good at saying what I’m thinking
It’s been thirty years give or take
We never caught that lucky break
Everything rushed past without us blinking

Sometimes I entertain this little fantasy
Where I do things differently
But I’m grateful how things turned out for me so far
I’m happy where I am—where we are

I’m not gonna lie
When the planes are falling from the sky
I find it more exciting than alarming
I find you quite inviting and disarming
There’s probably something wrong with me
Blame it on too much TV
But I can’t think of anyone it’s harming
Standing there dressed all in white
An apparition, a trick of light
It’s a catastrophic calm that I find charming

Sometimes I indulge a little fantasy
Where I do things differently
Where my dreams are not so vivid and bizarre
But I’m happy where I am—where we are

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Corner of Your Mind

There’s a dark corner of your mind
That every now and then you visit
Sometimes it’s a comfort
Sometimes it’s a curse
But it’s not going anywhere is it?

There’s a light winking by the bay
A carousel spinning in the night
A fortunate teller’s booth,
Incense and a golden tooth
She don’t read palms but she’s got the second sight

There’s a treasure buried deep within the sand
A pearl growing slow in the seashell
Bring it to your ear, breathe in the atmosphere
Don’t forget it in the drawer of the motel

There’s a thunderhead getting loud and looking mean
A boy with a hunger in his eyes
He barely knows your name
But he loves you all the same
And the world has yet to cut him down to size

Flickering dreams, storybook guile
Secret spells, wishing wells, necklace made from old seashells
Faltering hope, unsteady smile
Vulnerable, formidable, utterly insatiable

You got a power that you’re learning how to use
So many roads ahead and you don’t know how to choose

There’s a graveyard baking in the sun
A priest sweating through his speech
You’ve never known this kind of hurt
Your eyes fixed upon the dirt
Your mind far off with the seagulls at the beach

There’s a monster underneath your bed
A ghost hiding in your closet
But you’re too old for that
You’ll never be an acrobat
You got loans and a security deposit

There’s a groom waiting anxious for your hand
One ring now and another on the way
There’s that fortune on your mind
You were told when you were nine
By the funny smelling woman by the bay

There’s a love like honey on a sore throat
A voice that is strong as it is kind
It’s been almost a year
Since you dared to venture near
That lonely cobwebbed corner of your mind

Varicose veins, scars, and sunspots
Sunrise runs, silly puns, backyard pool with water guns
Daycare drop-offs, stomach in knots
Mortgage rates, oven grates, squeezing in romantic dates

You got a power that you learned not to abuse
Made your peace, but now there’s so much more to lose
You got a power that you’re passing down the line
Will you lift the veil and let them peer behind?
Will you let them in to the corners of your mind?

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

The Heart is a Muscle (A Response)

I know you think that you’re a bad bet
But there’s so much we haven’t tried yet
Remember mornings sipping coffee?
Hushed confessions that you love me?
The first time

I know you think we’ve tried it all
I know you think you’re my downfall
Remember when we were kids with cooties?
Remember Sundays at the movies?
The popcorn line

I remember getting caught in that thunderstorm
Happily,
Flushed and free
Only thing that mattered to me was you

I remember those late night country drives
Heaven-bound,
Windows down
Couldn’t see a thing, but I loved the view

A heart’s a muscle too
When you use it, it gets sore
But honey, never shut an open door

Now let’s address my expectations
There won’t be any revelations
I want a home, I want a family
Our own kids begging us for candy
To start anew

Our own yard with our own fruit trees
Our own toolshed with our own keys
A border collie by the table
Something real and something stable
To grow old with you

I remember cinematic fights
Epithets
We both regret
Making up with the passion of our first time

I remember pangs of pain and pillow talk
Wide-awake,
Everything at stake
Sorting through the rubble we left behind

I know you want it too
Don’t tell me it’s a bore
Honey, never shut an open door

A heart’s a muscle too
When you use it, it gets sore
Don’t tell me you don’t love me anymore

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Done for Good

I’m not a bet you should’ve ever placed
No, I’m a truth you should’ve never faced
If I were you I’d stay the hell away from me from now for good

But for some reason you keep coming back
Shining eyes, a new plan of attack
As if you know me like nobody else ever really could

Remember dancing down the boulevard?
Everyone took shelter, it was raining hard
We were giggling like star-crossed runaways in a Hollywood heist scene

Remember kissing when no one was home?
Smell of sun and sweat and cheap cologne
Remember crying on my shoulder—your dad said something he didn’t mean

Wish I could take you in my arms
And tell you everything will be alright
Give you all the things you want
Lazy Sundays, kids, and paper kites
Building forts and shoveling snow
In a December wind that digs and bites
Whipping custard with egg-yolks
Making cookies with the leftover egg-whites
I’m sorry dear, I really wish I could
But I think this time we’re really done for good

I’m not a taste that anyone acquires
I’m many things, but I am not a liar
I told you everything I wanted and I needed from the start

I’m a poison you keep drinking in
You’re pure as hell and I’m your cardinal sin
You think our life’s a pretty little play and you can orchestrate our parts

Remember fighting like we invented it?
Found every weak spot, leaned into every hit
Remember hours spent in silence as we digested what we’d said

Remember the sharp sting of our remorse?
When we finally spoke the word ‘divorce’
Took the pulse of our silly dreams and found them cold and dead

Won’t you take me in your arms
And whisper everything will be alright
Don’t care what it is you say
Could be false and lame and cheap and trite
I won’t listen very hard
No more judgements or the good old spite
Remember driving in the dark?
Empty streets glowing in the moonlight
I’m sorry love, I really wish you could
But I think this time we’re really done for good

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Better Things

I don’t want another fight
Bitter words, backhanded slights
I don’t want to feel the ache
A heart always about to break
Dreams that just refuse to die
But never seem to come alive
Just simmer and whimper and fester and linger

I don’t wanna be afraid
Of all the promises we made
The wrong thing at the wrong time
Committing even petty crimes
Looking back at this lousy life
And thinking: ‘Where the hell was I?’
When everything was going down
A king expecting to be crowned
Anticipating and bating and waiting and hating it all

I know I am meant for better things
If I could just apply myself
I know I am meant for better things
Private jets, not rising debts
Respect and fame and wealth

I know I am meant for better things
If I could just find myself
I know I am meant for better things
But life gets in the way
The bills you need to pay
The years that slip away..
Princes know one day they may be kings
And I know I’m on track for better things

I don’t want to compromise
To fill my mind with soothing lies
That this misery is just for now
While I work out exactly how
To pay my dues and learn the tools
To play the game by my own rules
To answer to no one else but me
To know what if feels like to be free

I’ll wait, for now, for my time to come
Absorb every blow one-by-one
Count my blessings 1-2-3
Be whoever I need to be
Hang some mantras on the wall
Numb the pain with alcohol
Clean the house and donate clothes
Live inside of my tv shows

I know I am meant for better things
If I could just apply myself
I know I am meant for better things
Exclusive clubs, beachfronts, hot tubs
Respect and fame and wealth

I know I am meant for better things
If I could just find myself
I know I am meant for better things
But life gets in the way
The hair that thins and grays
The disappearing days..
Nestlings know one day they’ll spread their wings
And I know I’m destined for better things

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Autumn Arrives

Honeyed scent of jasmine nights
Full moon at our fingertips
November spring in fairy lights
Tea and kisses warm our lips

Fresh-baked bread, fresh-picked plants
Toddler soccer all day long
Sunlight sifts in softened slants
Beeps compete with sparrow song

It’s the burst of life before winter hits
Frantic bees fill up their hives
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
When autumn arrives

Golden rain blankets the ground
Cotton clouds brush the sky
My best impression of a clown
Distracts Tamarie when she cries

Sneezes, coughs, and runny nose
Engagement anniversary
Tamar is cawing, chasing crows
I feel love and loved and so lucky

Measuring height, length, and width
Cozying up our modest den
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
While winter descends

The rain is holding off so far
Sprinklers working overtime
The day is losing ground to night
Fat mosquitoes whine and dine

Barking back at bounding dogs
Meowing to the frazzled cats
Lifting moods with smiling eyes
Wading through the twilight gnats

At Lavender Lane we stop and kiss
Tamar walks on in tiny strides
There’s no one else I’d rather be with
When autumn arrives

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Hell and Me

There is a Hell on this earth
That stalked me since my hour of birth
Snaps at my heels and bares its teeth
A parasite on my belief
Has me begging for the black abyss
The cool caress of nothingness

I’ve met with Hell from time to time
To adjudicate my countless crimes
Danced with Hell, strained to understand
Why it must take my haggard hand

I’m older now, old enough to know
That Hell will never truly go
But we’ve cut a deal, Hell and me
Come to terms with how it has to be
It can do its worst, can haunt my dreams
But I’ll paint the pain and sing the screams

…

Woke up head on fire this morning
Advil, imitrex, excedrin
Can’t take anymore
Can’t take anymore

3 AM, hunched over toilet
Nothing left to retch, still nauseous
I know what’s in store
Can’t take anymore

Pain, I know you well
I don’t care about heaven
Just don’t give me Hell

Canceled plans again this evening
Hell is back again and seething
Just like before
Can’t take anymore

Plane to catch tomorrow morning
The storm inside my head is forming
I know what’s in store
Can’t take any more

Pain, I know you well
I don’t care about heaven
Just don’t give me Hell

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Summer Suburbs

Summer suburbs, water gun wars
There was joy in the air 
There was candy in stores
We would bike through the streets
We would climb through the trees
There was nothing to lose
And so much to seize

Fifteen years later, summer arrives
You were fired from your job
I am working till nine
You’re behind on your rent
And my energy’s spent
Let’s watch some TV
Wouldn’t it be nice to be them

Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
We’ll buy a house and raise a family 
Make sure our kids have their summer fun
We never realize just how soon it is gone 

There was a man who said he’d found the key
You must embrace your passions
You must follow your dreams
So he took off a year, 
And he took on his fears,
And he fell to his death,
But some mountains were cleared

And what about the man who worked to the bone?
In pursuit of the career 
That would make him well-known 
He would never give up
But the cancer still struck 
And the chemo still failed
Our time is never enough

Maybe someday I’ll marry the girl of my dreams
We’ll buy a house and raise a family 
Make sure our kids have their summer fun
We never realize just how soon it is gone

So I ask myself what is my worth?
With my head in the sky
And my feet in the dirt
Am I a link in a chain? 
Am I a heart or a brain?
Is it pleasure I seek?
What is the point of this pain?

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

The Music is Always There

When you wake up and feel deflated
Anxieties, insecurities exaggerated
When all is backwards and wrong
I hope you will listen to this song

When the emptiness expands
And the colors collapse
When the days bleed together
Into one formless mass
When the tunnel is showing no light
I hope this song can make it alright

I’d like to remind you
Of the wonders around
The kaleidoscope of color,
Blues, reds, greens, and browns
The wind in your hair
The soft background sounds

I’d like to remind you
Of childlike delight
How in the deepest of lows
The most dizzying of heights
There’s something we can’t fully describe
Bees build their labyrinthine hives
Dolphins do their delicate dives
Flowers lend their scents to the air
Chicks fly their nests in a dare
The music is always right there

When you feel like a failure, way past your prime
Waiting and waiting for your chance to shine
It hits you, your dreams won’t come true
This song will be waiting for you

When your memories torment you
And that voice in your head
Haunts you and taunts you,
And you can no longer tread
The waters in relentless high tide
This song can help you get by

I’d like to remind you
How magic abounds
Epic or microscopic
Simple or profound
The thrill of a kiss
Of worries unwound

I’d like to remind you
Of times that were bright
How in the darkest of blacks
The most blinding of whites
There’s something we can’t fully grasp
A mystery we can never unmask
Questions there are no words to ask
We can glimpse it when we lay ourselves bare
In the air that we breathe, in the love that we share
In the music that is always right there


Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Mirrors 

You’re living a life of plenty
Alone, adrift, and empty
He’s tells you: ‘It was God who sent me’
You trip into his trap
Sit naked upon his lap

Now you’re living a life of rejection
Of spiritual perfection
He offers you direction
You’re heady and hypnotized
By his unblinking eyes

He may ask for favors
Every now and then
But he is still your savior
He is your best friend

You drink up his preaching
Edge of seat, attention rapt
Evangelize his teachings
Carefully lay out his traps

Just remember to:
Keep away from reflective surfaces
Avoid any expensive purchases
Bow and ‘wow’ at every word of his
Give him everything you own

Because if you sing his praise and write his ballads
Every thought you share is valid
It seems you’re only eating salads
Your skin is showing bones

But you couldn’t be thinking clearer
Because you never stare at mirrors
No, you’ve never felt more sane
Because you finally shed your name
No, you’ll never be the same

Your mom said:
‘This is not benign neglect
This is not some harmless sect
It’s a slow-motion train wreck
He’s a megalomaniac’

You said:
‘How could you ever understand?
You could never see God’s hand
In your diets and designer brands
I don’t appreciate the attack’
And that was that

May be downsides and dangers
Every now and then
But he is still your savior
He is your best friend

You drink up his preaching
Nod along with the crowd
Evangelize his teachings
Don’t let the small voice get too loud

Just remember to:
Keep away from reflective surfaces
Avoid any expensive purchases
Kneel and squeal at every word of his
Give him everything you own

Don’t listen to:
The whispers of the bad behavior
The doubts that he is not your savior
The fear that you have lost this wager
The conviction in your bones

Now there’s a stranger in the mirror
You miss her, you fear her
Now your name holds a question
Is this cowardice or confession?
Yes, the mirror reveals a stranger
You love her, you hate her
Yes, there’s a question in your name
How many demons can you tame?
No, you’ll never be the same

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

What I Want You to Know

I want you to know what you do to me
But I don’t know how to say it
Some otherworldly alchemy
Can’t measure, map, or weigh it
I want you to know my valleys
The jagged stones and streams within
Where do I begin?

I want you to know how I think of you
But I don’t want to overdo it
How every day my heart is born anew
To heaven’s gate and I step through it
If I seem a little lost to you
It’s just a passing distraction
I am swept in the allure of your attraction

Contentedness is courting bliss
Every time we touch
Clouds are parting, birds are darting
In a breathless rush
It may sound shamelessly idealistic
Or hopelessly naive
But your love is the oxygen I breathe

I want you to know how you make me feel
Without clutching for cliches
There’s no key, canvas, or color wheel
No perfect rhyme or phrase
If my silence becomes deafening,
That muse I’m forever stalking
My kisses and caresses can do the talking

I want you to know how you’ve changed me
Without sounding patronizing
You move me to metaphor and simile
You’re my sun that’s always rising
Your melody is woven in me
Stitched in my genetic code
My passion never softens, never slows

Tranquility meets ecstasy
Every time we touch
Bluebells bloom, songbirds croon
In a forest, free and lush
It may sound wildly exaggerated
And somewhat misconceived
But your love is the oxygen I breathe

And if you ever feel unsafe
Then I have failed
Then it’s a lousy, leaky ship
That I have sailed
But if you feel secure
Then I’m on the right track
Let’s roll our sleeves up darling,
Patch up any cracks
Make the most of the time we’ve got
We won’t get it back

I want to know you inside and out
To delve into your deepest dreams
To embrace whatever you’re musing about
To try and pinpoint what you mean
To take each day one-by-one
With gratitude and grace
With kisses on your forehead and arms around your waist

And it may sound sappy and overdramatic
But when the air begins to thin
You, my love, are my oxygen
You, my love, are my everything

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

A Tour of the Garden

Welcome, please take off your shoes
Be careful where you step
Our residents walk aimlessly, no path here is direct

There is no good or evil here
There is no wrong or right
Our home here is a garden of desire and delight

Of course outside these sturdy walls
Evil does exist
But we call it out, sneer and shout, and raise our angry fists

There are no voices here
We speak through little screens
That pull our pretty puppet strings as we rage against the machine

I’m sorry, what is that you said?
I really beg your pardon
Let us now continue on our tour of the garden

There are no parents here
No husbands, wives, daughters, sons
No one here belongs to me or you or anyone

There are no vows here
There are no ropes and chains
People go by numbers here, not arbitrary names

Love is a vice here
Our doors are always open
We speak in neurochemicals: dopamine, oxytocin

Divergence is an asset here
Everyone stakes their claim
It frees of us from the burden of our guilt and blame and shame

And if this feels too soft for you
Well it’s a shame that you’ve been hardened
Let us now continue on our tour of the garden

Religion is a joke here
We pray to holy evolution
‘Do not harm’ are the only words in our consecrated constitution

We have our own apocalypse
Our very own righteous saints
With screeds and slogans sanctified in dripping, bloody paints

Please follow me to the sanctuary
Yes that’s Darwin on the wall
Sorry, it’s a bit dark but there is Marx by the choir stalls

And the large room here is the dining hall
You won’t find wheat or meat
Our residents can’t feel disgust, so everything tastes sweet

And if we all seem lost to you,
Faces on the milk carton
Please let us continue on our tour of the garden

We craft our own definitions here
Our own labels too
We write our own reality—what is fiction, what is true
Of course, you’re free to disagree
But please keep it to yourself
Or it’s excommunication to preserve our mental health

I hope you like what you have seen
If not, it’s really okay
Just don’t come back again, my friend
And have a lovely day

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Look (A Plea)

Look over there
There’s a little girl lost in the trees
She’s splashing in puddles
And diving into the fall leaves

Look over there
There’s a woman all wrinkled and gray
Her eyes are clear and wise
Her life, a cherished prize
She’s the beauty that lies in decay

Look over here
On the floorboards, you’re splayed like a sheet
Face a cruel blue, drool spilling through
A bottle of pills at your feet

Please look, can’t you see
The girl and the woman are you
The future’s not past
And though this life will not last
It’s here and it’s waiting for you

Life’s not a game
The object is neither happiness nor love
No hedons or points,
Likes, comments, or coins
Tallied on some scoreboard above

Life isn’t work
And it surely isn’t just play
Not to gratify the self
Or to serve someone else
Yet it’s all of these things in some way

I guess what it is that I’m saying
Is we just do not know
But we can take a stand
Make the best of our hand
Why fold when there’s still room to grow?
Why choose darkness when there’s still time to glow?

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Linger

I’m wading in the memory of the magic of last night
When our bodies, slow and tender, came together and took flight
It’s not a flashback, it’s time becoming space
The path along your back that my fingers softly trace

You say you hear the ocean when you rest against my chest
You’re the moon lighting my skies, pulling my tides when we undress
I whisper in your ear words of joy and love and peace
We shed our mortal skins, begin to revel in the release

I’d like last night to linger
Like your ring around my finger
Not the bee and the stinger

I’d like last night to linger
Like the song, not the singer
Not the bee and the stinger

That energy between our bodies never seems to sleep
It’s sacred and it’s separate, a smoldering secret that we keep
It pulses in my gut and chest and dances on my tongue
Slips between our mouths with the breaths rising from our lungs

It was restless and impatient in the first decades of my life
It was jubilant, knife and flint, when you became my wife
And even now when we must pull out before we are immersed
It voices its desire in a deep unyielding thirst

I hope last night will linger
I won’t meddle, I won’t tinker
Not the bee and the stinger

I know last night will linger
With the contours of your figure
Not the bee and the stinger

What will I do with you?
What will you do with me?
We’re deep in dangerous terrain of impossibility
You stand upon the shores of my calm and raging sea
We reach out for the stars and pick out shards of eternity
Bind ourselves in fraying rope and yearn just to be free

What will you do with me?
What will I do with you?
We made it up the mountain but there was no time for the view
The murky waters cleared into an eerie shade of blue
The kisses multiplied and went from many to too few
I’m crafting poems every day but language just won’t do

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

The Art of Walking Backwards

It seems that I have mastered
The art of walking backwards
I crane my neck with great precision
Sidestep every near collision

It’s not as hard as it may seem
Like fingertips on a fading dream
A misty memory from when you were young
A word whispering at the tip of your tongue

You learn to trust the periphery
The faith in what you cannot see
To appreciate the unveiled view
The silent stories surrounding you

I promise you it’s worth a shot
As you stumble along this spinning dot
Reverse your way through space and time
And tell me what it is you find

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Milestones

It seems that every milestone
Looks more and more like a tomb
In a graveyard neglected and overgrown
Taunting: “Take a good look, you’ll be here soon.”

There’s only so long I can avert my gaze
And focus on the run
Will they remember me with a shining glaze?
An epitaph: ‘loving father, husband, and son?’

First few decades, my sole concern
Was pulling it off as cool
Nonchalant, confident, never taciturn
And only occasionally cruel

If you want to reach the ladder’s top
You must step on those below
It’s a law of nature, it’s a rule of God
Never get swept in the undertow

My memories of my college years
Are ones of girls and shots
Of skin and sweat and mascara tears
Played the game, pulled every slot

From all the wreckage I left in wake
All the baggage I kept in tow
From every lie and careless mistake
I hewed my very first milestone

Her name was Mary and my friends agreed
She was a steal, a catch, a dream
Met her at a party that reeked of weed
She said, “I think you’re nicer than you seem.”

I did my best not to prove her theory wrong
I tried to change my tune
Graduated, hitched, and before too long
There were babies, bills, and birthday balloons

I coasted through the next decades
Or at least that how it appeared
Only the kids saw the fists, the rage
When I tried to beat away my fears

Never showed an ounce of shame
The kids, the job, the home
Raises, promotions, mortgages paid
Milestone after milestone

I only cheated on Mary once
With a girl who exposed every one of my flaws
But Mary—bless her soul—never even had a hunch
The cancer got her after menopause

Now the thought of sleeping with any other woman
Breaks my lonely heart
And the thought of the affair—that loveless loving
Rips my callous soul apart

The doctor will assist my final milestone
It’s legal here in Oregon
I’ve been filling my days with puzzles on my phone
Hoping the kids won’t think I’ve chosen wrong

There’s only so long ‘till I avert my gaze
When I focus on the sun
Will they remember me with glowing praise,
A homily recounting all the battles I’ve won?

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Just One Thing

I’ll take the trash out
I’ll work the math out
I’ll pay the bills

You’ll take the scenic route
Pick up some fresh farm fruit
Life’s little thrills

I’ll take you in my arms
Change the batteries in the smoke alarm
When it starts to beep

You’ll take the temperature
Of how things are and how things were
And how things should be

There’s just the one thing
That I’d like to diagnose
Why am I always the one
That reaches out to bring you close?

I know you love me
But the evidence is scarce
Want you to want me
To hold me in your stare
Want you tell me
That you miss me when I’m not there

Want you to fantasize
About my arms, my chest, my thighs
About all the things that we could do
Want you to crave me like I crave you

I’ll bring you flowers
And when the milk sours
I’ll throw it out

You’ll bring me closer
To myself and our daughter
Won’t let me pout

I’ll bring you happiness
Whatever the hell that is
Something like security

You’ll bring me butterflies
The piercing pull of you eyes
Something like purity

There’s just the one thing
That I’d like to discuss
You know I can’t stand
Speaking about this stuff

Just the one thing
That I’d like to talk about
Why am I always the one
That has to take you out?

I know you love me
But I want to feel it more
Want you to want me
To undress and shut the door
Want you tell me
About the ecstasy in store

Want you to daydream
Our bodies together, sweaty and lean
Kiss me slow before the morning brew
Want you to crave me like I crave you

I’ll keep reaching out to you
I’ll keep your secrets too
I’ll keep the time

You’ll keep me in your heart
Pause the films at the best part
When the baby whines

I’ll keep my promises
No matter what the temptation is
I’ll keep you safe

You’ll keep our old texts
Our photobooks, the toy T-Rex
You’ll keep me waiting and wanting and craving and hoping..

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Storm Chaser

Unformed words frozen on your lips
Foreign hands fastened on your hips
Close your eyes, slip into the abyss
Of weightlessness

Tender lies whispered in your ear
Stormy skies breaking in your sneer
Lurching night guiding you to your tryst
With loneliness

You’re a storm chaser
Crave the form of the twister
Taste the rush of the hurricane
The lightning bolt, the whipping rain

The promise of a reckoning
Those angry skies are beckoning
He told you you were everything
He promised you were everything

The calm before the storm
The sirens blare, the bird-calls warn
You know those cries

You’re a storm chaser
Crave the caress of the thunder
Waves that crash, tree that flame
Rips and jolts, pleasure and pain

The promise of a thrill
That steam train sharp and shrill
He swears he loves you still
You know he wants you, hunts you until..

Carnage after the storm
Death, debris, damaged people mourn
You know those cries
You’ve cried those cries
Everyone dies
Before their time
The rainbow shines
The rainbow blinds

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

The Way I Feel

Your banter was barbed
Your loving was scarred
The beginning was hard
And it only got harder

But the passion was quick
Your touch electric
An antiseptic
For which I would barter

All that you lacked
Patch every crack
My soul still intact
‘Cause it was never on offer

How could I know
That your breakneck would slow?
That your secrets would flow?
That you’d keep getting softer and softer?

It seems that I stowed
Everything that was real
Under camera and code
And iron and steel
I’ve forgotten how to get through
To the way I should feel about you

Your sorrow was silk
Your kisses were milk
You said ‘we’re of the same ilk’
And I stifled a smile

My hand on your skirt
Your friends all alert
The way that I’d flirt
Wasn’t their style

My excuses were weak
Your face wet and sleek
You didn’t make me speak
And for that I was grateful

You held me real tight
You didn’t want to fight
You asked to stay the night
And that made me hateful and spiteful

It seems that I buried
Everything that was true
With the 5am ferry
And the sunrise view
The midnight revelations
With the ingenue
The wild expectations,
The ‘I love you’
And I don’t know how to undo
The way I can’t feel about you

The old fear returned
The lessons never learned
Mementos never burned
Memories like daggers

I lied through my teeth
Swallowed my grief
Tested your belief
And drank ‘till I staggered and staggered


Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Here Comes the Sun

An overflowing cup
An ever-blooming rose
A love that never wilts
That only grows and grows and grows

A gravity that lifts
Time that blinks and yawns
No end, no beginning
Simply spinning dawn to dawn

A beauty that doesn’t boast
But knocks you off your feet
Can’t stem the flow, in it’s glow
Hypnotized in its heat

A pretty paradox
A question calm at rest
A form just like a storm
Inside a floral summer dress

I’m magnetized
To your searching eyes
To the cadence of your tongue
Can’t come to grips
With your supple hips
How we come together as one

How you came to me
Under the canopy
Parakeets and family
Ancient texts and stones and history
A unity hard-won
Oh darling, here comes the sun

A depth than can’t be probed
Can only be admired
Experienced through cryptic hints
That pour kerosine on your fire

A faith that can’t be dimmed
A mind of mist and stars
A future looms, a rising moon
In our freshly minted hearts

There’s a masterplan
When I hold your hand
When your head rests on my chest
Can’t come to grips
With your loving lips
How they purge me of bitterness

How you came to me
Under the canopy
Reversed rings and cooling breeze
Swaying strings and olive trees
Two turned into one
Oh darling, here comes the sun

You rise above me like the morning sun
And set slowly when the day is done
You mirror the phases of the cycling moon
There’s magic and mystery in every room
You’re in
It’s a sin
For us to ever be apart
We’ve been circling in the same orbit
From the very start

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

A Painting on our Wall

You say I’m biased
But that’s not true
I’m just blessed with
The very best view
Yes I can see you as you truly are
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms

When I tell you
What it is I see
You sometimes tell me
That you disagree
Well you really should believe me
Cause I’m in communion with infinity
With forces realer than reality
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms

And when I watch you go about your day
The way you move, the things you say
Those lovely details I can’t quite recall
I could go on forever and never list them all
When you’ve got me on the brink
I can’t help but think:
‘You should be a painting’
‘You should be a painting on our wall’

You may think I’m gentle
But that’s not true
I would maim and kill
To protect Tamar and you
No, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms

And when I tell you
What you mean to me
How I’m drawn to you
Magnetically
I hope you soak in every word I say
How the outside world just melts away
How a melody begins to play
When you’re in my arms
When I’m in your arms

And when I watch you nurse Tamar to sleep
The way you hum to her, her foot by your cheek
The way you comfort her when she falls
That sacred tie between your tethered souls
That eternal link
I can’t help but think:
‘You should be a painting’
‘You both should be a painting on our wall’

My breath goes quick, my head gets faint
God I wish that I could paint
But all I’ve got are words and notes
And chords to carry them like boats
And a voice that’s a window to my mind
And a soul that’ll always love yours
With rhythm and rhyme

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

You’re a Momma Now

You were everything before
Now somehow you’re even more
You’re a momma now

Cause we spoke those sacred lines
The moon and stars aligned
And Tamar came down

Cub and momma bear
It’s a primal bond you share
It’s my job job to make sure nothing interferes
As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears

You protect her like a lioness
Fierce and uncompromising
It’s beautiful and proud

And your patience is a miracle
When she rests on you my heart is full
You’re a momma now

Things aren’t getting any easier
And you keep on getting prettier
What’s that about?

Yes you always were a sorceress
What you did to me every time me kissed
And you’re a momma now

Cub and momma bear
It’s a physical bond you share
I’ll bring you tea and toast and fend off all your fears
As we build our home with blood and sweat and tears

And when exhaustion strikes
And we hit new lows
I want you to always know
That I’ll be around

To fight with you through any storm
To take your side and keep you warm
You’re a momma now
We’re a family now

And you will always be the answer
To my doubts
When I hold you, my soul’s no longer
Crying out
No there’s no solace like
The meeting of our mouths
You’re my one true love
And you’re a momma now

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Perfectly Shlomit

You told me horror films help you relax
Set off a flood of questions
I was too afraid to ask
So I held my tongue, you tiptoed then plunged
Through childhood memories
Moved from Jung to love to art
A miracle, a mystery

And when you speak of mysticism
Those slippery words ring true
It’s the only language in my grasp
For how I feel for you
I mourn every day that passed
Before I came your way
Thank whoever’s pulling the strings
I treasure every day

And when I hold you close
I whisper “You are perfect”
And you quietly disagree

Well you’re not perfect
But you’re the one for me
Nobody’s perfect
But you’re perfectly Shlomit

You point out lonely wisps of clouds that pass by overhead
Clear blue skies just don’t provide those subtle shades of red
That leak into the skyline after sunset or at dawn
It’s clear that you are perfect holding hands atop Mont Boron

You see beauty in the ugly
You see symbols, signs, and stars
I see magic, I see treasure
As I piece together who you are

Remember when we spoke about
September by The Shins?
Now your it’s your soul that sings to me
You’re my melody
I’m forever listening

And when I hold you close
I whisper “You are perfect”
And you silently disagree

Well you’re not perfect
But you’re the one for me
Nobody’s perfect
But you’re perfectly Shlomit

I’m running out of goodbyes
That tear-stained rupture
I’m running out of goodbyes
Another one will bury me

I’m running out of goodbyes
God I love her
I’m running out of goodbyes
Torn apart by labyrinthine seas

I’m running out of goodbyes
They sting my throat, they burn my chest
I’m running out of goodbyes
The slow march to a last embrace

I’m running out of goodbyes
The sweet notes then the bitterness
I’m running out of goodbyes
Desperate attempts to memorize your face


Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Tamar

You sparked a heat wave
That snapped when you came home
Every time I held you
I was petrified I’d break your bones

Your momma moved the earth and seas
To bring you here
And with the greatest love
Come the deepest shades of fear

The labor lasted
An eternity, maybe more
But ‘eternity’, ‘infinity’
Those words just don’t mean what they did before

You took our breaths away
Also our sleep
My heart would halt, then somersault
Every time you made a peep

You are sweeter than the dates upon the palm
Whether you’re a frothing sea or a forest, cool and calm
Thrown into a world at war but safe in mama’s arms
Swaddled in mama’s charms

I’d prop you up on the pillow of my lap
Place you over my shoulder, pace around the room to help you nap

You’d only agree to sleep in our arms, tummy full
When instead we put you to bed, you’d wake in a state of betrayal

You weren’t crawling yet, not even teething
Every second or so,
I’d check your neck to make sure you were breathing

When that smile first spread along your face
And lit your eyes
Seedlings sprang and bloomed in a heartbeat
Seasons came and rolled right by

I can fit your fragile head into the pocket of my palm
You can have whatever words I’ve said and keep them as a balm
If there’s something shepherding the prayers and the psalms
Please, help us raise her like the dawn

You’re raw emotion radiating
Inconsolable then intoxicating
Curiously contemplating
Our garbled gobbledygook

Your will is iron, your mind is pure
You’re no blank slate, you’re so much more
You’re Tamar Eliana to the very core
Love lingers in your look

You’re fresher than a handpicked fig
Yet older than a fading star
You’ll grow and grow until you’re big
But you’ll always be perfectly Tamar

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

The Same Thing

The rise and fall of your chest
The wax and wane of the moon
The ebb and flow of the tide
January melting into June
The swell of the strings
It’s all the same thing

The glint in your eyes
The glimmer of the lake
The winking of the stars
The memories that we make
The shine of my wedding ring
It’s all the same thing

I miss you
Even when I’m with you
Like the poet yearns to sing
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing

The splash of your laughter
The tinkling of a glass
Wind through a chime
Dewdrops on the grass
A hummingbird’s wings
It’s all the same thing

The dimple in your cheek
Raindrops carving the snow
Green valley in the mountains
Your hair pressed in a bow
Cracked pavement flowering
It’s all the same thing

I want you
Even when I’ve got you
Like the mistress craves a fling
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing

The nape of your neck
The small of your back
Swaying butterfly perch
Sloping wooded path
Cool creek’s gentle sting
It’s all the same thing

Soft tangle of you hair
Branches billowing free
Twigs twined in a nest
Stone walls draped in ivy
Woolen throw when you’re shivering
It’s all the same thing

To live with someone you love this much
Is a frozen reservoir shattering
Thoughts that gnawed at you late at night
Suddenly stop mattering
Take the plunge
Fill your lungs
Let the change within begin
It’s a strange thing
It’s all the same thing

Jeremy Koloski's avatar by Jeremy Koloski

Over My Dead Body

“Over my dead body,” you said
But for years now your body’s been dead
Your lips and your hips and your hands
They don’t work like they used to

“I’m sorry, I don’t love you no more”
“The kids know, the rings in the drawer”
A slap, then a laugh, then the wrath
Then the sarcastic thank you’s

“Thank you for letting me know”
“Thank you for letting me go”
Belief, then relief, then a screech
Of tires, a door slamming shut

“Over my dead body” you said
You couldn’t stand to bury the dead
One hint of life, like a spark in the night
In your gut

Could spread like a wildfire
In the right conditions
Could flame like a live wire
If he would only listen
Burn though the derision
Cauterize the incisions

But you
In your powder blue dress
Your hair all a mess
Your eyes the dark side
Of the moon
Your future ablaze
Your past all a maze
That you finally found your way through
Do we ever really find our way through?

“Over my dead body,” ma said
The clap of a slap and dad bled
You stood frozen in place,
Your face pressed against the door slit

Breathless, you ran to the shed
Your pretty world tearing to shreds
Heard something shatter
A vase or a platter, something delicate

The sun sat still over the plains
Fields of cotton and sugarcane
All flat and unfeeling,
Your mind was still reeling
For hours

Now you think of that kid you once were
How it all passes by in a blur
How things don’t get better
They simmer and fester
And sour

And rage like a wildfire
In red flag conditions
Flame like a live wire
Key in the ignition
Another bad decision
Those angry ghosts have risen

But you
With your razor sharp wit
Your comebacks and quips
Your lies like the cries of the loon
Always blowing off steam
Your past a bad dream
That you finally put behind you
But do we ever really make our way through?
Do our dreams ever really come true?

Dad warned you after the wreck
“Don’t look back, you’ll get a sore neck”
Sooner or later
They’re all caught in that crater
You left

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Little One

Little one, the morning sun
Is breaking through those heavy clouds
Little one, is that where you’re from?
Why did you choose us, why did you choose now?

Little one, there’s no practice run
For showing you the ropes
Little one, you’ll crawl, walk, then run
Tripping on those ticking tropes

Together
We will measure
Wistful whims and weather
Stash stones, sticks and feathers
And treasure
Our time
Together

Little one, wait till you see the sun
There’s a whole wide world with bated breath
Waits for you, those songbirds flew
And landed in your tiny nest

Little one, oh you’ll be stunned
By the color and the throbbing life
Little one, our hearts are parts of the same one
Even after we turn out the lights

Together
We’ll grow stronger
Our shifting shadows longer
The world will whet your hunger
You’ll wonder
Whether
The pieces fit
Together

You’re a rainbow in the nighttime
You’re the sight restored to the blind
I’m the canary in the coal mine
Screaming out the warning signs
To keep you safe
I just can’t wait to glimpse your little face

I’ll hold you close and tender
Hum you tunes and help you render
That topsy-turvy fender-bender
Of molecules and misremembered
Days and dreams
And I know we’re more than huffs and puffs of steam
You’ll see this world is much more than it seems

I promise you will fall in love
With the worms below and the stars above
With the grass and the hills and the trees
With the simple hope in all the complexity

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Somewhere

Somewhere
The swing set creeks
A ghost or a breeze?
Blind bats whisper up above 

And the woods
Breathe with life
Watch passersby
Surrender their worries to its love

Hurricane 
Floods the streets
The world bleeds
Life seeps into the gutters

Where children swim
Catch butterflies
Chase fireflies
‘Till morning cracks the shutters

To a world 
Where bandaids fail
Where pain prevails 
We search and we search for that place 

We used to know
Of snow days
Of paper planes
When life was not a race

But a hot bath
Where bubbles licked
Our fingertips 
And vanished without a trace 

Somewhere 
It all must lie
When neurons die
When our last breath escapes

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Shibboleth

Every evening—same thing
Tire swing, earphones in
Halfhearted scrolling
Thinking bout something..

Something like a getaway
Magic trick, great escape
Open sunroof, freeway
Hollywood escapade

Or maybe the opposite
Blending in, perfect fit
Cozy clique, tight-nit
Sleepover gossip

Never say the right thing
On the outside looking in
Wrong wavelength, bad wiring
Too quiet, desperate, too everything

Yesterday you overheard
Girls studying a vocab word
Some sort of Bible myth

A secret code, custom, belief
The lilt of your voice, the way you speak
Shibboleth

Who to spend lunch break with
Casual, not too stiff
Effortless

How to study for this test?
What to say (10 points),
How to dress (5 points),
Shibboleth

Sinking sun, squeaky seesaw
Kids go home, final crows caw
A voice rehearses your every flaw
Your heart heavy, your eyes raw

Leaning on the sliding pole
Spiral down the rabbit hole
Vacant frown, free-fall
Hate yourself, hate it all

Ran away only once
Dad said: ‘cute little stunt’
Mom said: ‘the hell do you want?’
No one else noticed you were gone

Turn the music up some more
Trudge back home, past the corner store
Slip quietly through the front door
Earphones in, unhinged, unmoored

But you’ll get past this high school hell
New college clothes, new stories to tell
First real kiss

No secret codes, custom, beliefs
No eye rolls every time you speak
No shibboleths

Lunch break with best friends
Sarcasm and split-ends
Almost effortless

Study circles, nail-biting tests
Films to discuss (5 stars),
Loves to confess (broken hearts),
Your own shibboleths

How do you tell her
That it will get better?
The emptiness

How do you tell her
They don’t last forever?
Those shibboleths

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Imposter

I’m not the best person I can be
That much I can pretty much guarantee
I spend too much time trapped in my own head
Where my selfish hopes and daunting dreams are fed

I’m not good at keeping in touch with friends
And even worse at budgeting the money I spend
Parrot all the talking points I hear
Pretend that I’m not limping through life in fear

That I’ll be found out
Finally seen
As the imposter
That I’ve always been

Found out
Exposed
As the imposter
That I’ve always known

I’m not good at parking in tight spots
Don’t mention public speaking, I’d rather be shot
My clever retorts are always minutes late
Sometimes I confuse cities with states

Waste half my time aimless on my phone
Instead of on those skills I’d love to hone
Happiness, I’ll find it in a year
Meditate, sedate, silence the fear

That I’ll be found out
Finally seen
As the imposter that I’ve always been

Found out
Exposed
As the imposter that I’ve always known

They say fake it till you make it
If it ain’t broke then break it
If you want something, take it
I’d like to take my time

Don’t miss the forest for the trees
Dot your I’s and cross your T’s
Seize all your opportunities
Don’t matter if they’re right
Don’t let yourself fall behind

But I’d like to take my time
To fall softly behind
Seek life of every kind
Taste the sweet sunshine
Resist the call to climb
Every ladder I can find

It’s the blind leading the blind
Leading the blind
Leading the blind
Leading the blind

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