Milestones

It seems that every milestone
Looks more and more like a tomb
In a graveyard neglected and overgrown
Taunting: “Take a good look, you’ll be here soon.”

There’s only so long I can avert my gaze
And focus on the run
Will they remember me with a shining glaze?
An epitaph: ‘loving father, husband, and son?’

First few decades, my sole concern
Was pulling it off as cool
Nonchalant, confident, never taciturn
And only occasionally cruel

If you want to reach the ladder’s top
You must step on those below
It’s a law of nature, it’s a rule of God
Never get swept in the undertow

My memories of my college years
Are ones of girls and shots
Of skin and sweat and mascara tears
Played the game, pulled every slot

From all the wreckage I left in wake
All the baggage I kept in tow
From every lie and careless mistake
I hewed my very first milestone

Her name was Mary and my friends agreed
She was a steal, a catch, a dream
Met her at a party that reeked of weed
She said, “I think you’re nicer than you seem.”

I did my best not to prove her theory wrong
I tried to change my tune
Graduated, hitched, and before too long
There were babies, bills, and birthday balloons

I coasted through the next decades
Or at least that how it appeared
Only the kids saw the fists, the rage
When I tried to beat away my fears

Never showed an ounce of shame
The kids, the job, the home
Raises, promotions, mortgages paid
Milestone after milestone

I only cheated on Mary once
With a girl who exposed every one of my flaws
But Mary—bless her soul—never even had a hunch
The cancer got her after menopause

Now the thought of sleeping with any other woman
Breaks my lonely heart
And the thought of the affair—that loveless loving
Rips my callous soul apart

The doctor will assist my final milestone
It’s legal here in Oregon
I’ve been filling my days with puzzles on my phone
Hoping the kids won’t think I’ve chosen wrong

There’s only so long ‘till I avert my gaze
When I focus on the sun
Will they remember me with glowing praise,
A homily recounting all the battles I’ve won?